Milestone - Suppression & Sacrifice

They say heavy is the head that wears a crown.... This statement is true and has nothing to do with being a king, but it has everything to do with being in charge - Being the one responsible for other people's welfare, money and trust. I know if it all goes bad, I take full responsibility, and trust me, it's a lot! So when I use the word "All"...I do mean everything- full domino effect, my whole world collapses in front of my eyes, Checkmate, Game over man! The crazy part about it all... is the part that freaks me out the worst. Every aspect of my life at this point in time is one of three things; history repeating or correcting  itself,  Deja vu, or a real life premonition. Now mix that with my past, my current day to day life, and how this is playing out, got me thinking I'm going crazy.

Simply because "All" of the lives involved, past and present.  But the most important people; the ones who effected my life are the most are connected to each other in some way without me making the connection. For example; I was command referred to the Army Substance abuse program in 2013, every week I sat in a two hour meeting / class, and majority of that time was spent in some sort of argument or debate between my counselor and I over marijuana. I always won, until she finally would throw in my face that marijuana destroyed my career and now there is a great possibility that I may lose everything over it. Strangely that very counselor is the mother in law of someone directly involved with my company, and I never knew until everything start going well for my company. So many people in my life right now have strange connections to other people from my past.


This leaves me with the fear of leading dozens of people into believing in a dream that I believe I must accomplish. A failure that will not just affect me, but "all" of the most important people in my life.  And if anything in my life fails or is not accomplished, is where the whole domino effect comes into play. If I could explain it "all"... some of you would be shaking your head like " I don't know how you can mange all that after going through so much". Others would say " This man is extremely smart....but he is a little crazy!" And the few - the weak, would have nightmares with dealing with a small portion of what I deal with everyday! I know this because I have nightmares, just a whole lot less than I did a few years ago when shit was at it's worst. A couple of months ago I wrote a blog Titled "letting go" and I believe that was the time I realized an alternative method to dealing with "all" this exists.

And Its so simple, I feel retarded  knowing it took me so long to figure it out. I wonder how many other people still haven't figured it out. I wonder If I figured this out before I turned 18, where would I be? It's a very selfish but effective strategy, and the earlier you learn it, the less baggage you will have to take to the next relationship business or personal.

                              "Never settle. Be honest with yourself about what you really want in life, and it takes a few broken eggs to make a cake."

To accomplish these you will have to sacrifice other peoples emotions sometimes. Because every interaction doesn't always work out in all parties favor. But as long as that decision is for the greater good" then a few hurt feelings won't matter because the few don't outweigh the majority. You can't please everyone, so choosing to do what's in the benefit of the majority is the logical approach.
I can no longer choose the paths of suppression or sacrifice because they both leave guilt and resentment on me.

Friday July 21st (concert night)
The day started off fucked up but it's all good. I'm tired of explaining everything to everyone. I'm starting to believe that everyone around me treats me the same way because of the way i come off - passive. It's changing me into someone I'm not. I try to be fair to everyone, I learned that from all of the years of unfairness and mistreatment I experienced in my lifetime. But It seems like because of this - people take advantage of my kindness, as a weakness, or try to get as much out of me or over on me as they can. Me being aware of this is bad for the people that's not doing this to me because I been through it so much and its on my mind so much that I have an invisible wall up and everyone is affected by it.

We started off behind on everything from time lines to payments and by the time we were ready to open the doors everything was in disarray. the show was supposed to start at 8pm and I cant even find most of my acts. Friends of the acts didn't want to pay or show support and instead of them coming out on a professional level they wanted to drink in the car knowing a have a full bar inside! only 25 people showed up and most of the others pulled into the parking lot but never came in because the show never started or it was too many people out front drinking and acting the damn fool. Even members of my own team never showed up, and this is our first stand alone event! But if i say something about any of this then I gotta get excuses or I'm the one coming off wrong.

By the end of the night everyone got their shit together and we closed the show off decent. But by then I already accepted the fact that we just lost a ton of money, We didn't get any video done, I had a panic attack and passed out an hour before I was supposed to take the stage and perform and we didn't sell any tickets, food or alcohol. I was fed up and I knew it was time for action and change. My company wasn't going down like this. So I took a few minutes to have one last internal conversation with myself and move forward. I knew then and there that, I'm wasting my time, money and my sanity in all parts of my life; business and personal.

Why do I (the CEO)  have to track people down in order for them to fulfill their commitment?
Why do I show more interest in other peoples career or life than they do?
Why am I stressing over everything and everyone else is so nonchalant about everything?
Am I overstepping my boundaries? Should I stop or keep trying to motivate people?
Do I talk to much? Should I change my natural way of life to accommodate others just to fit in?
When am I going to say "enough is enough, I'm tired of people not meeting me half way, with business and my personal life?"

Saturday Night (masquerade ball)
Once again the day started off fucked up. I started the day off begging people to be where they supposed to be and those who was supposed to do very important tasks only came through half way to include financial commitments. I was scared that I just ruined my entire companies lifespan But I couldn't cancel. We sold to many tickets and spent over $9,000 at this point. The show had to go on if I wanted my respect and reputation to at least stay in place. So once again I had to explain, accommodate, hustle, and over extend myself just to make sure the show was as successful as possible. We only got 70% of the decor up but the place looked beautiful, but it was already time to start the show and I wasn't even dressed yet.

Then the miraculous happened... People started showing up, paying at the door and buying drinks. I left the helm in the hands of my art and design director, And my VP and I ran to get dressed. When I got back 45 minutes later, we had about 40 people in the venue and they all looked excited to be there. By the time the show started, we were at our peak of about 60 people in the building total with crew and guests and people were still buying tickets at the door. I saw the light and things were looking up. All the acts put on a great show and everyone was enjoying themselves. But we still didn't get to shoot any video and I was still in the hole from the night prior so I still had some explaining to do somewhere.

By the end of the night I was content with the show and all doors were closed with the external vendors and acts. we fell very short of or target goals but at least we had a clear outlook on what was going to happen next.

The next day was even worst because I had one of the worst arguments with one of my vice presidents and my "so called" girlfriend, both in which I feel should be the first to understand or support me. Both in which will not hold up their end of the deal but expect me to cater to them. but that's my life story as always...explaining and catering to the people that should already support or understand simply because of the proximity they have to the situation. So Now I'm done, and here comes the pain! Now I know what needs to be done in all aspects. Now hearts will be broken and people will have absolute reason to say I am selfish.

 I always loved to thought of "love." "hopeless romantic" should be my middle name. But I have come to realize that "I" have to accept my own needs in order to be happy in my love life. This is why I cannot pass judgment on anyone when it comes to what that like and want. I hear men call women "gold diggers" and think that title will cause some kind of enlightenment. In fact I agree with a "gold digger" simply because if money makes her happy to the point she loves the person she is with, then that's "all" that matters. Most men love sex, so if it takes an abundance of sex to keep a man happy and faithful then how can you say it's wrong for someone to need money to do the same thing?

There is no difference. everyone is different and their needs are different. This is where effective communication comes into play and where most relationships fail. People are reluctant to admit what it is they need to sustain happiness out of fear of judgment. If you think crack is what you need, you will be unhappy trying to stay away from crack until you feel different and no one can change that but you. So I no longer tell people what they like or need based on my opinion, It's a waste of time. I know my needs and wants and I also know a lot of people won't agree with them. That doesn't change the fact that I still want or need them to function properly or to be happy.

                                                                 "Judge not or be judged first"

So if the decisions I make here in the future leaves people upset or mad at me....so be it. I spent half of my life suppressing my needs, I will not spend the other half doing the same thing. I gave 20 years of my life to an organization filled with people that tried to ruin my life with no remorse for my children or family. I spent over 15 years dealing with women that barely met me half way, and In my time of need, they wasn't there. And I spent over 10 years putting my dreams and aspirations to the side so other people could be happy momentarily.

I'm watching my family in New York deteriorate over A 2 million dollar co-op apartment ever since I lost my grandmother in 2011 and it's only gotten worst since my grandfather passed on my daughter's birthday February of this year. It's tearing me apart to be in the situation I'm in and not being able to do anything about it. I have children that I talk to but haven't seen or hugged in over 5 years due to the situation I'm stuck in and it weighs heavily on my heart. I have been dealing with Army personnel that tried to take everything I ever worked for away from me because of personal feelings and worst of "all", the person who supposed to have my back through "all" this, just started to show me they care in the last 4 months after 6 years and expect me to not have resentment so we fight everyday "all" day. I have no sanctuary, I have no base of operations to retreat to, "all" I have is the my mind to play orchestrator and mediator for everything I go through.

There are people in my life that I love and love me but I'm at a point in which I don't want to hurt them because of my walls, wants and needs. They will be hurt. There are decisions that I will make in order to ensure my companies success to the best of my abilities that will determine who will remain in my personal life. And I know these things must happen now or I will only prolong, or make things worst for everyone involved due to me suppressing or sacrificing "my" wants and needs. The same people that never liked a post, bought a song or even show any interest in any of my works to include this one. So they are leaving me no choice but to let go and pursue my happiness.

So when I say "all", I do mean "all" of it is tied together in some way that will effect the future of my company government industries, down to the meaning of the logo and reaching all the way into my military career and personal life. And I blame it all on myself, my passiveness and empathetic ways. Even though I know it's to late for me to change certain aspects of my personality, I can accept my wants and needs to be happy, so I'm going for it "all". The only entity I fear is the almighty, so understand any and all promises or commitments I make I'm going to do or die trying.

If the people around me don't understand that I'm different then fuck em! No more explaining to get them to understand or appreciate me. I am the unappreciated genius, the person who talks too much or the easy target in the eyes of some. I accept it

I am done loving people who can't love me the way I need it!
I'm done taking care of people who don't give a fuck about me!
I'm done over extending myself to accommodate others and how they feel!
I'm done stressing about everything to the point it affects my day to day life!
I'm done explaining and I'm done being unhappy!


From here on out my life is dedicated to government industries LLC, my children and "my" happiness. No more sleepless nights, or cloudy days, the storm is over now. I'm 40 years old, I spent "all" of my life supporting other peoples dreams and lives. I know I'm presented with a special opportunity and I won't miss it or let someone else fuck this chance up. We have excellent products that will not only compete in the industry, but exceed today's standards. We have a great team and the potential to become a household brand name. But most of "all" I know if it "all goes bad... I will face the blunt of the repercussions alone. So I have to boss up, and lead from the front regardless on the situation in which I find myself. I'm in too deep now, I must finish what I started and I refuse to let my people down. So anything that may be a possible obstacle will be removed before I run out of chances and lose everything.


Everyone should listen to the words of this song. It describes everything I just discussed. I'm sure a lot of you can relate once you heard it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqOu5u-_GCE

Chapter Two
Part one


                                                                  Soulmates

       A beautiful ranch style home sat underneath the stars, secluded and closed off by an enormous lake which sat a quarter of a mile behind it. The house was dim, the garage door was lifted and a range rover, was parked inside, along with a Lincoln navigator and two diesel pick up trucks parked in the driveway. A small herd of horses frolicked and grazed comfortably in field behind their stable, only to be frightened by a horrifying sound as of one of their owners screamed in terror.

       "I think she likes it, I know I do! Look at her face, she's caught between pleasure and pain, It's fucking beautiful" whispers Demetria as she grips the mans head, forcing him to watch his wife being brutally raped in front of him. Between his tears, emotions and her cries he could barely keep his eyes closed. He struggled to maintain his train of thought, knowing he himself, would face a far worst consequence. He was gagged, naked and strapped down to a chair as Demetria rode him cowgirl, gripping his hair tighter and tighter as she stared deeply into the mirror directly in front of her, in a freakishly lustful trance from the sight of Tommy having his way with the woman on the bed behind her.

       The man was also trapped between horror and pleasure, His eyes were red from anger, his heart raced and he was sweating profusely. His penis was engorged with blood as Demetria squeezed her asshole tighter and tighter. Suddenly she finds herself in orgasm, kissing the mans ear so ferociously, she bites his ear off and spits it out onto the floor beside the chair they were in. She laughs and catches her breath before she dismounts. She lifts his chin and looks him in his eyes and says "now the real fun begins!" Tommy grabs the woman by her hair and forces her onto her knees, making her face her tortured husband. "Please, no more! we will do whatever you want. Just don't hurt us...please!" she yells. Demetria look at the woman and snickers then walks over to a bag, pulling out a strange device.

       She smiles as she places the device on the mans lap and straps it onto his genitals. He is horrified by the sight of it and goes into a frenzy, trying to break his bonds. His grunts and moans only entices Demetria more and more. Soon he concedes to exhaustion, realizing he is trapped and must face his fate. Demetria watches the man tire himself before she steps back and switches on the device; a molded fiberglass like guillotine with a small power saw in place of the blade. Then places the mans semi erect penis in the device and switches on the saw. Then she pulls a very large dildo out the bag and gets on her knees, placing between the mans legs. She turns to Tommy and says "make that bitch scream!" and shoves the dildo in her asshole and begins to suck the mans balls.

       Desperately he tries to ignore this moment of terror, doing everything in his power to control his body, but she was very skilled, She sucked his balls and gave him full view of her ass and Tommy violently pounding his wife on the bed. He tried to fight it with everything in him but to no avail. he cried out as his penis slowly hardened, closing the distance between his cock and the saw blade. He cried out and squeezed his eyes shut but Demetria was relentless, she slurped and swallowed his balls so well he could only lean his head back and look at the ceiling and try to calm himself. His wife staring in his eyes with tears running down her face while Tommy continuously rammed his 12 inch cock inside of her. She tried not to look and dropped her head, but Tommy grabs her by the back of her hair and makes her watch.

     Within a small amount of time, his flesh was torn by the blade and Demetria was in orgasm again. She pressed he lips beneath the mans shaft, pushing it into the blade, enjoying the blood splattering on her face. He passes out from pain , with his head laid back and Demetria finishes herself off with a sinister but lustful grin. Then she stands up and kisses the man on his forehead. "Goodbye love" She whispers before she slits his throat. Her head leans to the side watching the blood ooze down the dead mans chest. "Beautiful" she says and snaps around to Tommy. She watches Tommy enjoy himself with the frantic woman while she cries out in fear and shock.

       It turns her on to see her husband in such a fury. Every time they come to this moment, she falls a little more in love with him. Out of pure passion Demetria walks up to the bed, reaches over the woman and strokes Tommy's face then she kisses him. It's just what he needed to take him over the edge. faster and faster he strokes the woman from behind. Passion building up as he and Demetria kiss. Demetria begins to play with herself with one hand and holding the woman's head pressed against the bed with the other. And with a few last powerful strokes, Tommy snatches Demetria closer, deepening the kiss as he nuts inside the woman.

       The heated moment sends Demetria into another orgasm, and they continue to kiss as they release simultaneously. Then they both smile and stare into each other eyes finishing off the explosive climax. Demetria looks down and lifts the distraught woman's head by her hair, holding her head up to look at her dead husband sit in a pool of his own blood. "Oh my god, your monsters!" She tries to fight with vigor one last time, but she barely moved. Tommy was too big and strong for her to move even an inch. The woman screamed as loud as she could as she watched Demetria reach for the knife. Demetria pushes the woman's face back into the bed, suffocating her and stabbing her repeatedly in the back of her head.

       Blood sprays everywhere and Tommy lets out a roar of triumph then releases the dead woman onto the foot of the bed. Blood soaking the floral patterned comforter, dripping onto a bag full of money and jewels. Then they passionately kiss and laugh out in victory before they loot the house and escape with out a trace of evidence.

The next morning
7:18 am
Las vegas

       The sun rays and warm breeze peeked through the balcony curtains of the lavish hotel room.  Half eaten room service, empty champagne bottles and over a two million dollars in cash and jewels glittered the floor. Demetria is awaken with a kiss and breakfast in bed. Her eyes still closed she smiles and returns the kiss. She opens her eyes and blushes and kisses Tommy once more. And for a short moment they stare into each others eyes She raises their hands to her mouth and kisses his wedding ring."Good morning Mr Washington." she whispers, placing another sweet kiss upon Tommy's lips. "Good morning Mrs Washington." He replies. followed by another kiss.

       They are the perfect couple, inseparable from the day they met almost three years ago in that courthouse. They were the same, same life goals, same ambition, completely submissive and loyal to one another, and shared the same top of the food chain mentality. A successful power couple in their community as well as a vicious blood thirsty duo that controlled the streets. At first glance, they appeared to be a normal suburban couple, But to those who really knew them, knew they were something far worst. Demetria was a short middle aged Hispanic woman with jet black hair and a porn star body. It was rumored that she won many cases off her beauty alone. She was a well renowned public defender, and a tyrant. An ex MMA fighter with an IQ of 127, She was a borderline genius

       Tommy was also in his mid 30s, 6 foot 7 and built like a tank, with dark brown hair. He was an Adonis. He ran his family established construction company and controlled all of the meth in the city with an iron fist. He was once an arena football player, but his love for Demetria pulled him into a more lucrative lifestyle and he gave up on the league just months after they met.

       Together they had cops as well as judges on their payroll, combined with their perfect record and influence they where unstoppable. No one could come between them, and those who tried quickly found themselves either in jail or buried. They treated each other as equals, and always maintained a professional demeanor. They lived a lavish but secretive life just outside of Atlanta. To them, everything is planned and well executed, even their marriage, they planned this trip to Las vegas over a year ago. Carefully targeting their next mark, while planning to elope the day before their last robbery.

        "So that's it right? We're done?" He says as he holds her hands tight. "Yes my love, we're done." She replies. "So now we can work on having kids, right? He says pushing her back onto the bed and kissing her neck. She breathes heavy, pauses, then hugs him very tightly. He breaks her hold with a confused look in his eyes, She sighs and says "Yes my love, now we can try to have kids. I still think we should adopt. I don't want to go through what I been through so many times before we met." "C'mon babe, can we at least try once? Please, I really want to have a child with you. I want them sexy genes to mix with mine, let's make a monster. And if you miscarry, I'll never ask again. try for me, just once, maybe things will be different this time."

       She looks him deep into his eyes and strokes the sides of his chiseled face and takes a deep breath. She loved him more than life itself and wished she could give him the one thing he's been asking for since the day they met. " OK my love, we can try." Then she pulls him close and knocks the tray of breakfast off the bed. Then they make love all morning long. That afternoon they shopped and showed each other passion and affection. They were in love and everyone they passed felt it. They enjoyed each others company every day all day and ended their wonderful day with dinner and making love.

       The next morning they checked out the hotel, loaded up into their Aston martin coupe and drove across the country back home to Georgia.




*This song is the emotional attachment to this except
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_rYiknI5q8

     

       Being the only child may have been the culprit, but being different was the defining point. Being the only child didn't make me selfish, it made me social, and it made me hate to be alone. But being different made me stand out, a target of criticism, and a pariah. So I held on tight to things that I've gained, people who I felt close to, titles and material objects. And over these long 40 years I've always had a problem with letting things go. That problem almost ruined my life. I held on to things as if they were irreplaceable, and the thought of losing them left a deep pain or emptiness in my chest that would last so long it would effect my daily train of thought. I held on to friends even when they clearly didn't have my best interest at heart.
        I would forgive people over and over again until either they put me in a terrible situation or blatantly fucked me over. I let people in the army dictate my future, I let wives and girl friends get away with murder, I let friends and associates use me until I just couldn't take no more. I have hoarded, video game systems, clothes, rims, and old music I've written for almost 20 years. I speak of memories of high school, people I know and knew, my family history, military accomplishments and titles I've earned in martial arts as if they define my future. Not being able to let these go, and suddenly losing them all without choice is what sent me to thoughts of suicide. I had to learn to let go.  I use to cringe at the thought of people talking about me behind me back or not to be accepted. So I became an enabler, an over-giver, just to be liked by everyone at all times.
       The last Four years of my life forced me to learn to let things go. I lost everything, love, money, rank, material possessions, and almost all of my respect. I lost my grandmother as soon as I got to this duty station and lost my grandfather two months ago, four months before I retire. My next 40 years will be different. It may have took me longer than others to learn this but at least it happened before I transition into the next career, an even bigger and deadlier environment... the entertainment industry as a civilian. I have already come close to going back to holding on to shit with the artist and friends I met in this game. And I almost let them do me as those others have done and it is that, which brings me to this moment of finally learning to let go.
       So yes, today I finally learned to let things go and clean house. Literally and figuratively. I've been throwing old shit away all day. Rims, clothes, Nintendo and Sega game systems and wires. I also cleaned my mind and rid myself of that hurt feeling I used to get when people don't like me or talk behind my back. "Never stop moving" is what rick said and it resonated with me ever since. If I hold on to to much shit, eventually it will weigh me down to the point where I won't be able to move. No more will I hold on to people, or even old grudges. If they don't like me.. fuck em'!  I'm on my way up and god has carved that path. I won't change though, I will forever remain a giver. I just have to chose to whom and to what I give to wisely.
       No more will I care who likes my work, ideas, accomplishments and drawbacks because most of the time, the ones talking or hating is just jealous and they point out your deficiencies to make them feel better about themselves. The one thing I do know is; when people see you doing something they always wanted to do, one or two things will happen. one;  they will finally get off there asses, say fuck it and try to do it too. Or two; they gonna start to hate. So in the end, letting go is the best approach to everything. Things won't weigh you down, and it leaves space for new things to come into your life. But most of all... nothing lasts forever, not even life....so why hold on to old shit.

This track is my emotional attachment to this post
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5hf86_hIBk

Chapter 1 part 3
Facing demons





                 

A text notification startles Gerald. He drops his icepack and reaches for his phone.

From T
(Yo, You good?)
Gerald thinks for a moment then replies
(Yeah. I'm straight)
(Did Crissie get home yet?)
(Nah. She's on her way though.)
(Damn my dude, you figured out what you gonna tell her?)
Gerald pauses again. He wasn't in the mood to talk, He just wanted to think to himself and get past this horrible day.
(I'ma tell her some bullshit. I got it.)
(Ok, cool.....You got it. Did you email Nikko the flicks yet?)
(Hell yeah, them shits gone and off my hard drive!)
(Good, Good. We gonna get that nigga! There's no way he walking away like that!)

         Gerald lays the phone down and leans his head back. The last thing he wanted to think about was seeing Dominic or Phiiah anytime soon.

(Yeah.....Yeah we gonna get him.)
(Nikko got 2 broken ribs! We gotta get this nigga! But we gotta be smart. That bitch text you yet? What you think going down on her side?)

         Gerald pauses again, then looks at the dozens of text messages and missed calls from Phiiah shaking his head.

(Shit...I don't know, but I'm in that bitch head, so I'm not sweating it. Honestly...I really don't wanna talk about that shit right now T, I need to get my mind right.)
(I-ight family, let me know if you need anything. Later.)
(Later.)


             About 20 minutes later Gerald heard keys at the door. He took a deep breath and leaned up, then re-applied the ice pack to the half inch cut under his eye. He didn't really know what to tell her once she saw the wound. He just hoped what ever he decided to tell her was good enough to smooth her over. He really wasn't in the condition to argue all night.

"Well I don't need help with these bags!" She says sarcastically as she goes into the kitchen without taking a good look at Gerald.

"My bad Babe, you got it, or are there more?" He drably responds.
"Yeah, I got it. How was your day? Damn...I don't get a kiss, or a hug? What's up with you tonight?"
She asks from across the kitchen as she puts the groceries away, still not noticing him. He sighs again, not knowing what to say, then slightly mumbles something. She stopped and turned to look at him and knew something was wrong by the dimness in the room, the tone of his voice and the way he greeted her. It wasn't the norm, so she put down what was in her hand and walked out into their living room to see what was wrong with him.

"Oh my god! What happened to your face?" She said kneeling down in front of him, looking at the stitches.
"I got into a fight at the gym over some bullshit"
"What bullshit, What happened now?"

               He sighs again and pauses, breaking eye contact. Shame was written all over his face and she saw it. So she draws back to look him in the eyes. She already had an idea of what the reason was. But she wasn't fully convinced.

"Well...?" She demands

                He removes the ice pack and leans back, then takes a long moment looking in her eyes, thinking of a way to explain the situation to her. Finally he just accepts his final explanation and lets her have it.

"I got into it with some dude at the gym. I was standing outside the locker room and some chic approached me and asked me if I liked the flavor of smoothie I had just bought and the conversation went from there. We was talking for less than five minutes and this dude, I guess was her man or husband or whatever...just started wilding out and before I knew It... we was fighting. He snuck me and caught me in the eye and I didn't even know what was going on. Then Nikko and them came out the bathroom and we started tussling."

                 Crissie looked at Gerald with a look of disbelief but concerned. She wanted to hear more details because it didn't make since.

"So...she and her husband was in the gym working out and she decided to just come talk to you? Do you know her?"

"I...um..I saw her in the gym before... but I don't know her, know her. Like, this was our first encounter on a conversation level."

"That don't make no since Gerald. This man had to be infuriated to try to hurt you like this. Did you call the police? He assaulted you in public for no reason! Did anyone call the police? What happened once Nikko and them stepped in?"

             Her questions was coming too fast. He had to maintain himself. But he couldn't find the right words to say so he just shook his head and shoulders as if he didn't know why this man attacked him, like it all was a blur to him. all he could say was " He broke Nikko ribs..This nigga was crazy on some jealous rage shit. I don't know. He might have been on something. Steroids or some shit! This nigga was buggin' for nothing"

"Whaaat! He broke Nikko ribs!" she says with a look of confusion then asks again if anyone had called the police or made a report.

"Nah, it happened to fast, and by the time we could really get at this nigga, he dipped off into the crowd. Then the medics showed up and we went to the hospital."

Crissie was completely with drawn from Gerald now. He didn't really want to make eye contact with her either. She knew he was lying, she knew it was more to the story. She just looked at him as he further explained his lie until a tear fell from her eyes and he stopped talking.

"What babe, whats wrong? He says trying to hold a look of certainty. But she just put her head down and cried harder. when he went to touch her she pushed his hand away. He couldn't find anything else to say. He just stared at her, kneeling on the floor between his legs crying and shaking her head.

"Tell me the truth Gerald. Tell me why this man attacked you for talking to his wife or girlfriend at a public gym and no one filed a police report. You think I'm stupid!" Then she slaps his advancing arms away from her and gives him a look to warn him not to touch her. He takes a deep breath then looks at her again, preparing to conjure up another lie but realizing the jig is up. She wasn't trying to hear no more bullshit.

                       Across town things were even worst at Phiiah's and Dominic's house. The baby was crying and the house was torn up. They had been arguing since the incident. well he was arguing, she wasn't paying him much mind. All she cared about was packing her things and going to a hotel for the night. Dominic was on fire at the fact that she never answered any of his questions, she just came home and started packing. That only made him madder. He was in a state of violence and heartbreak, he knew she had been fucking Gerald, but she didn't admit it. She only demeaned Dominic and blamed him for the entire situation. Saying he acted like a lunatic and should be jailed for his actions. She walked around the house with ease of mind while Dominic followed behind her every step, demanding answers. Finally she received a text from Gerald, and she walked outside and sat in the car to check it.

(Everything good? Can we meet to talk?)
She smiled and replied with
(Sure, I'm about to get a hotel room because this nigga is trippen. We can meet there if you want.)
(Yeah... sure. Um...what hotel?)
(The hyatt, I'll be there in about 30 minutes. Ill text you the room.)
(Shit...Um...ok..cool. wassup what your nigga though?)
(Fuck that nigga, me and him done. He just don't know it yet! We will talk about all that later.)
(But he not gonna follow you or nothing is he?)
(Nah, this nigga in here crying and breaking shit. I didnt admit to shit! I just told him I need to give him some space to get his mind right. I feel threatened by him and I need some space.)
(Yeah..ok. I hope so, because Ima blast this nigga next time!)
(Do what you do.. shit. Defend yourself, He's the one out here acting the fool.)
(I-Ight... well, I'll see you in a few then.)
(Ok. I'll talk to later.)

                         Phiiah starts her car then goes back into the house to grab a bag and Savannah. As she walks out Dominic walks out into the driveway and says
"Damn, you just gonna take Savannah without letting me even give my baby a kiss!" staring at Phiiah with hatred eyes. He calls Savannah over and gives her a hug. She's lost and confused, the tears had dried up on her face by now but she was still hurting. Dominic gave her a long hug followed by a long kiss on the cheek.
"Daddy loves you ok Vannah...gimme kiss."
"Oh my god Dominic, don't get all melodramatic and try to make me feel all guilty with the baby! Savannah, give your daddy a kiss so we can go, it anit like your not gonna see her again Dom! So stop it with all the theatrics!"
Savannah leans in and kisses Dominic. "I love you." he tells her. "I love you too daddy." she says in her own way. then Phiiah grabs her and put her in her carseat.

"Bye Dominic, get your shit together and maybe....we will talk!"
He doesn't even acknowledge her, he simply turns and walks back into the house.
"Fine! Fuck you then!" She shouts then gets in her car and speeds off.


                     45 minutes later Phiiah had unpacked her things and settled into her suite comfortably. She had already put savannah to bed in the other room and took a shower. She was ready for him. Her black silk robe masked her black lace thong and corset and her make-up was soft and tantalizing. She was wet, anxious to wrap her legs around Gerald. She had been thinking about it all day. She checked her phone every few minutes and finally, she received a text message from him.

(Hey. I'm parked by your car)
(Come up, I'm in room 217)
(Nah, Come down real quick)
(??? Why? Come upstairs)
(Come down real quick, I'll come up later once shit die down. I just wanna talk to you for a moment)
(Tack stop playing. Savannah is laying down about to fall asleep. Can you please come up?)
(I will, but I wanna wait a few. I just wanna talk to you right now.)
(You don't have anything to worry about. Dominic don't even know where I'm at)
(I anit worried about that nigga! Just come down please.)
(Ok, baby. what ever you say. I'll be down in a few. meet me at my car because I'm not leaving Savannah up here by herself.)
(Ok, that's fine)

                      She took off her robe and through some sweats on over her lingerie and carried Savannah out to her car and put her into her car seat. Gerald was already parked by her car and helped her get the baby situated then took a seat on the passenger side.

"Hey sexy!" She says leaning over and greeting him with a kiss. But he was ashamed of his eye and he greeted her back but he wasn't himself. She places her hands on his cheeks to hold his face still then she gently kisses his wound.
"You ok? She asks
"Yeah, I'm good"
"So what's up, why you couldn't come up? whats wrong?
He pauses again then shakes his head and breathes deeply as he avoids eye contact.
"Tack... whats wrong?"
He breaths deep again and stares out the window. Then he turns to her and says
"Look.... This shit got way out of control. My wife is involved and I can't have that. So we gotta chill."
                   Phiiah was speechless. With a confused look on her face she looked him deep in his eyes followed by an attempt to see if he was serious. So she asked

"So that's it? Tack stop playing." She laughed and leaned in to kiss him. But he wasn't laughing. He wasn't even looking at her. He pulled away and continued to stare out the window.

                   Phiiah paused and thought of something to say...or something to do. Her world was crashing around her and she was going into panic mode. She decides to seduce him by showing him what she was wearing. She pulls off her sweat shirt and wiggles around the steering wheel out of her sweat pants

"Look baby, see...I got all sexy for you. Can we go upstairs and finish talking."
He took one look at her and closed his eyes. "Stop...Don't do this."

             She drew in closer. close enough for him to feel her breath on his neck "Stop what, I'm not doing anything." She says as she places a kiss below his ear. Followed by a series of seductive soft kisses across his neck and up to his chin. He breathes heavy, then grabs her by her hair and says.

"You gonna make me fuck you in this car in front of your child huh? He rips open her corset and grips her exposed breast. "Huh? is that what you want!" He whispers in her ear. She bends to his will. letting out a submissive purr. She had him where she wanted him.

         Unexpectedly...the passenger side window shatters and Dominic lands a savage blow onto Gerald's face, tearing the stitches open again and splattering blood onto Phiiah's face. The magazine of the Walther p99 40 caliber pistol split the wound open and extended the tear on multiple sides. Phiiah could barely see what was going on, the blood had blurred her vision. She panicked and started the car.

"Pull off! Pull off!" Gerald shouted while he tried to block some of the head cracking blows coming from the extremely volatile man gripping his shirt through the car window. Phiiah was traumatized, Savannah was screaming at the top of her lungs and Gerald was fighting for his life. So she put the car in reverse and pulled off frantically.

                  Dominic wouldn't let go, he held on swinging at full power, striking Gerald with the butt of the gun until his face erupted in a pool of blood. Phiiah put the transmission in drive and peeled out and Dominic lost his grip and tumbled over. He quickly sprung to his feet and jumped into his car. He wasn't finished, He was going to kill him. Phiiah maneuvered through the hotel parking lot, desperately trying to get out into the street before Dominic could get situated. But Dominic had been sitting there watching them close and left his car running. He was on her tail before she could leave the hotel grounds.

"OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD GERALD, ARE YOU OK?" She screamed trying to clear some of the blood from his face
"DRIVE BITCH, DRIVE! RUN THIS LIGHT! GET US THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" He yelled back, holding his face with both hands. The blood was coming through his fingers like a faucet. He could barely speak clearly, His jaw bone was shattered, and he bit his tongue.

                  Phiiah pulled around the car in front of her and sped onto the side road. Dominic was right behind her, waving his pistol out the window and shouting. She sped up, flowing through traffic and dodging other vehicles. She had tunnel vision, her emotions was taking over, between the baby screaming, and Gerald leaking uncontrollably out his face, and the father of her child chasing her across the city sent her mind on a roller coaster. She was having a slight panic attack. She couldn't think, it was all happening too fast. Blood was everywhere and she was caught half naked with her baby in the back seat. The embarrassment was overwhelming. Her heart rate accelerated as she whipped across boulevards and down side streets.

         It all happened in slow motion. Another vehicle was coming across the bridge. A woman driver who was also having a moment in her life was franticly texting and not paying attention. Phiiah tried to swerve around the car in front of her to put some distance between her and Dominic when they crossed paths. She wasn't in the right state of mind to attempt this feat, and before she realized it, she didn't have time to correct her mistake. It sounded like two cars fell off of the sears tower and hit the ground at the same time. It was almost harmonic, perfect enough to say it was fate.....a head on collision at 65 miles per hour.... followed by a five car pile up.

To be continued....


This song is the emotional link to this entry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGeIWtDXFmI

Chapter 1. Part 2.
Intuitions
                                                                                                             

           

                                    It became routine, Phiiah would get off work at 1 pm and was at the gym by 4 pm every Monday Wednesday, Friday and would return home around 7-730ish. Saturday mornings she would be at the gym by noon and home by 4 pm. Dominic worked during school hours and normally got home from work around 5pm everyday with the weekends off. When the two of them were at home together, most of their time was spent in separate rooms. She was in their bedroom watching her favorite shows and he was in his office working on something or writing music.

                                    Phiiah was spending more and more time sneaking off with Gerald as the weeks passed by. Most of the time they snuck off to their secret rendezvous spot in the woods and fucked for and hour or so. Once or twice the went on a date out of town just to be able to go out publicly and be comfortable together but it always ended in sex. Hard and passionate sex. They was fucking three or four times a week, and as the days went by and the arguments went on between Phiiah and Dominic, the more sex they had. Sometimes she would say she was going to the store and would meet up with Gerald right up the street or just call him and talk. And he was always available, willing to be a shoulder for her to cry on or to lay pipe at her will.  He gave her 100% every time, even if it was just for 10 minutes. He gave it to her the way she wanted it, and in return she became submissive to his desires and she went out her way to please him.

                                   She was doing things for him that she never done for her husband or at least in a very long time. At the drop of a dime she would drop to her knees and suck his dick as soon as they where alone, or if he even looked like he was stressed or upset, she was swallowing his cum or being filled with it. She wanted Gerald to know she was his. During their conversations she would highlight how she does things for him that she doesn't do for her husband just to let him know how much she was into him. They would laugh and talk for hours about their relationship problems. All the while growing more and more fond of each other. When Phiiah was at home, she gave Dominic just enough attention to keep him from carrying on an argument everyday, or leaving her, or at least until she could figure out if she was going to leave him.

                                  When she made love to Dominic, which was only to shut him up from constantly pursuing her, she only wanted physical gratification. There was no emotion involved. She didn't kiss him during sex anymore. The only time they kissed was when one of them was leaving out the house and that was just a common peck to sustain the norms of their household. She barely talked during sex or even made a sound unless she was getting head or cumming. Most of the time during sex she was always either uncomfortable, agitated, tired , not in the mood or in a few cases, even sleeping in the middle of the encounter. She showed no emotion or attraction to Dominic as a woman in love would do normally. But when he would try to address these issues, it would turn into an argument and he'd wind up not getting anything from her at all for weeks, So he just decided to take what he can get. Even if it was degrading to his self respect.

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                                                                     Journal entry 2
                                                               September 22nd 2017

                       Every day that passes, it becomes more and more obvious that Phiiah doesn't give a fuck about me. She has no fear of losing me what so ever. I told her two days ago I wanted to sit down and have a conversation about our relationship. It's crazy I have to make an appointment to talk but if I don't then I will just be sitting here with shit on my mind and no chance to express myself. Then It builds up and I explode and the whole relationship is worst for the next few days or so. Plus she won't even ask me whats wrong so either way I'm gonna end up in a begging position again. This is it, this is the last time I ask and if she ignores me one more day I'm letting her go for good!

                       I think that's what she wants anyway. She wants it to be my decision to leave that way she holds no fault and she can play the victim. It makes me wonder how much does care about me totally; Does she even care if I die? Is she so far gone that my health and life is now meaningless, because she acts like I'm not shit to her everyday. I know she can see the emotion in my eyes everyday. I know she can tell when I'm upset, horny or just need to get something off my chest but she ignores it completely. Sometimes she even smiles like nothing is wrong, like she's taunting me to explode so she can have a reason to treat me worst. I don't even know who to be mad at anymore; Her or me. Her for not just telling me she wants out and she doesn't love me or me for allowing this blatant shit to go on for so long.

                      I gotta get my shit together either way. I have to stop letting her make me feel like this everyday while she walks around nonchalantly and I'm sitting here looking like a fool everyday. I have no choice, I'm losing, I'm letting myself slip away everyday because of unhappiness and every night I'm awake all night working, thinking and looking at porn until I finally fall asleep. Then I wake up feeling like shit and barely wanting to go to work. This shit is tearing me apart!

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                                       While Dom was in the kitchen, Phiiah walks in only wearing a bra and a thong as she does most of the time when she's home. Smelling like candy and looking sexy as always but acting as if Dom wasn't staring. He tries hard not to look at her because she excites him but he knows she's not interested and it's only going to agitate him for the rest of the day. But he can't help himself. The way her thong wrapped around her wide hips and her smooth stomach turned him on. Within a moment he grew angry. To know that this was supposed to be his woman and how beautiful she was and how much he was attracted to her made him think of how their relationship was going.

                                       Finally after the two of them being in the same room for about two minutes with no words uttered she looks over at Dominic and noticed he had an attitude. She only smiled and continued to dress the sandwiches she made for her and Savannah. Dominic takes a frustrated breath, he knows that she knows he noticed how she looks, yet she acts as if he's not even in the room. Then his emotions gain the best of him and he loses it. He throws his glass across the room and it shatters on the wall and breaks the silence.

"You just don't give a fuck anymore huh? It's funny to you to see me like this everyday isn't it? You see me in pain or feeling some kind of way yet you ignore me. Like I anit shit! Why are you still with me Phi?"

She rolls her eyes
"Aw c'mon, don't start ok! I really don't feel like that shit today."

"Start, what the fuck you mean start! This shit has been going on for years and I been trying to talk to you but we never get anywhere. This shit isn't new, So how am I starting? Shit, I'm trying to continue!"

"Continue what...More drama!"

"You know exactly what I'm trying to continue, I asked you days ago to sit down and have a civil conversation with me but once again you just blew me off. I want to at least address one of the many problems we are having everyday like fucking adults. Or maybe continue any one of the conversations I started this week with you about the way you act every damn day. That you seem to just ignore and like I never said shit. Why do you make me go days with shit on my chest and if I don't press you on it, you would never say shit about it. So I ask you again...why are you still with me?"

"Because I love you Dom, because we have a beautiful little girl. Because you treat me good...." she says monotoned as if it was rehearsed.

Dominic just looks at her angry and confused, shaking his head.
"And......? That's it right? That's all! You didn't say shit about how I make you feel or... how great I am at.. whatever. You don't think I have worth, you can't even make me feel special when your trying so hard to explain to me why you love me! This shit is becoming more and more obvious Phiiah!"

"What's becoming obvious?" She says with a confused expression.

"That either you don't know how to love.... or you just don't love me! And I just can't figure out why you just won't keep it 100 and just say it! Just tell me you don't love me, instead of making me spend countless hours on trying to figure out what else it could be! It's like your fucking with me, playing with my intelligence."

                                      She just stands there with an empty emotionless face as he talks. Daydreaming about the stress less moments of explosive passion she been having over the past two weeks. Though she maintains eye contact, She could really careless about what he is saying. He notices it and stops talking to take a moment to analyze her face. Then says "Are you even listening to me? Do you hear what the fuck I'm saying to you? Do you even fucking care?"

"Yes, I hear you Dominic."

"So say something then! Something reassuring...shit! Make me feel like you want me! At least show some fear of losing me and make up some shit!"

"Something like what?"

"What the fuck you mean? Did you not hear anything I just said or anything I been saying for months...years? Say something, don't just sit there and look at me. Why do you do that? Why do you watch me pour my heart out or try to express myself as clear as I possibly can to you and then you just sit there and look at me like your lost, or have no idea what I'm talking about? I need you to communicate back! At least act like you give a fuck about losing me!"

                                       She sighs then pauses, then sighs again. Dominic is silent, looking at her and waiting for a response. She mumbles, looking for something to say and shakes her head as she searches. He waits, looking at her with a look of sarcasm then says
"Well? Humph.....just like I thought. You can't even make up something to say. You know what...fuck it! Fuck it! I get it, I fucking get it!"

                                       She throws her arms in the air, turns to walk away and says.
"Why does it always have to be about you Dom. It's always gotta be all about how Dominic feels. pfft! Whatever...fine! are you done?"

                                       Dominic watches her shake her ass as she walks away carefree. The fact that he loves her so much and she looks so tempting, makes him feel that pain. A pain he knew all so well. It was the very pain that has been growing inside his heart over the past few years. She was so beautiful and he knew he has tried everything he could to tell her how he feels, yet she acts as if his feelings mean nothing to her. But she claims that she loves him and has never cheated. Pain created from years of stress, and confusion.  beautiful memories, career changing sacrifices, emotional and sexual frustration rolled up into a heart wrenching feeling. It was a pain like no other. It was in that moment he knew what he had to do and what he needed to do it. Then he said "Humph...yeah. Yeah I'm done."

                                      The next day after thinking about their situation over and over as usual, Dominic decides to change the environment and try a different approach. After work, he stops at the store to pickup groceries and ingredients to cook a nice dinner and then the florist to pick up some roses. After he was done shopping and back inside his car he sees a note on his windshield. Thinking it was a note left by someone who might have damaged his car and containing insurance information he quickly grabs it and reads it.


                                It simply read "You might want to go to the gym with your wife sometime" And it made Dominic feel some type of way. He looked around to see who could have possibly left the letter but the parking lot was almost empty other than a few moving vehicles. He read the letter again then took a deep breath followed with feelings of fear and confusion. After sitting in his car thinking about it all, Dominic decided to go to the gym and checking on Phiiah instead of going home. He wanted to see what the fuck this letter could have been referring to and was it a joke of some sort. His heart rate was speeding and within moments... so was he. He needed to get control before he got pulled over or had an accident but he couldn't clear his mind.

                             So many situation playing out in his head as he sped to the gym. So many mixed emotions flooding his mind and sending him on a roller coaster, He hoped the things he was thinking weren't true. But deep down inside, he wanted answers. Answers to the dozens of questions he had, but most of all, he wanted closure because he knew he wasn't crazy like Phiiah tried to make him seem every time he tried to explain his feelings. He was enraged and scared at the same time. He knew something like this had to be done eventually if he wanted answers, he just wasn't ready for it at the time or really ready to deal with the discussing truth.

                           Phiiah and Gerald was on the last lap of their run when Phiiah starts to pick up the pace. He picks it up thinking he was failing behind due to fatigue but notices every time he catches up she speeds up. She was challenging him, and by the time they were a quarter into their last lap they found themselves in a full out sprint. Both of them pushing to beat the other, muscles tensing and sweat dripping as they came into the last turn. They were neck and neck when Phiiah caught her second wind and started to gain distance. Gerald was almost out of steam trying to keep pace and by the time he crossed the finish line she beat him by three full seconds.

"What happened young man? all that heavy lifting and no cardio got your heart weak!"

He looks up at her then begins to walk a lap to catch his breath
"Nah...you got me weak."
"Whatever, nice excuse. You got beat, fair and square."
"It's cool, were gonna see who gets beat in about an hour!"
"Oh really!" she smiles
"Yeah, really!" he smiles.

                           Together they walked a lap to cool down and talk as usual. They have been seeing each other for weeks and this was part of their normal routine. As they exit the track, they head to grab a smoothie before they hit the shower. They finish their drinks by the looker room doors talking and laughing. That run had their hormones on high so sexual innuendos filled their conversation. They laughed and flirted like a couple in love. They were comfortable with each other and the gym became their sanctuary. No worries, no stress and no fear,  until she noticed Dominic was watching them from the lobby and heading their way at a high rate of speed.

                           Phiiah quickly regains her composure and tries to signal Gerald, letting him know they might have been busted. Gerald notices her face and turns to see what had her attention so strongly behind him. When he sees a familiar face from a picture she had shown him, he already knew what was about to go down. He just didn't didn't know how far it would go so he also regained his self awareness and put a little distance between himself and Phiiah. But Phiiah was smart and she knew her man. all she needed to do was wait for him to talk and she could calculate how long he was watching and what all she could argue. So she took a casual approach.

"Babe, woow. Surprised to see you here! This is my friend Gerald."
"How you doing sir?" Gerald says trying to hide his guilt and acting as if nothing wrong was done but Dominic responds with "Who the fuck are you and why are your hands all over my wife?"
Phiiah and Gerald both stand in a moment of silence then Phiiah replies with "O..K..on that note, Gerald I will see you later. Babe lets go talk in the car."
"What the fuck you mean, your gonna see him later? Y'all up here talking and flirting and shit! Is this why your so motivated to go to the gym every fucking day? Fuck that later shit! we gonna handle this shit right now!"
Gerald's face changes from a fake friendly expression to a guilty defensive one. then he smirks says
"Humph, whatever. Phiiah handle your business, I'll see you later."
Dominic twists his head and looks at Gerald sideways. Gerald sizes up the older man and danger sets in. He knows he's younger than the Dominic but he also remembers everything Phiiah had told him about Dominic and he chooses to step back rather than to engage the extremely hostile Dominic. But Dominic was fixated on Gerald, His eyes were filled with anger and focus. He was looking for a reason to get closer to Gerald and found it.
"Nigga...You betta not say shit to my wife ever again! Not a fucking word, you hear me! Let me find out,....I'll fuck you up in here!

                         Gerald stood silent until three of his friends walked out the locker room wondering what was talking him so long. His demeanor changed instantly. He had back up and a reputation to maintain.

"Bra, I tried to be cool. Now chill with all the threats. All that fucking me up shit is dead!"

                         Phiiah desperately tried to resolve the situation and get Dominic to the car but she was losing. She was scared that things were about to take a turn for the worst and she needed to end it fast. But Gerald's reaction only made Dominic want to establish his respect more. He didn't care that he was now outnumbered four to one, all he saw was one target, and that target was his only objective. Her was a smart man and he had only been standing there watching them talk for a short period. He wasn't completely sure they where sleeping around. But he was totally sure that they where flirting hard, it was very obvious. But his anger had an underlying origin, and this was his chance to find out answers so He pushed Phiiah out of the way and said

"Nigga...Don't say shit else to my wife! Nothing! Either respect that or get disrespected!" Then he waited for a response. He knew from that response he would be able to judge how far things had gone between Phiiah and him. Gerald smiled, licked his lips and look back at his friends before saying

"Nigga, you betta tell that shit to her, you don't run me! I'll do what the fuck I want to do! Now gone on before I hurt your feelings!"

 Once again Dominic twists his head. "Hurt my feelings?" He says sarcastically "Please do, please Hurt my feelings nigga, cuz now you gonna have too!" And he begins to close distance on Gerald, holding his hand to his ear, gesturing him to continue. But Gerald only looks at Phiiah's face once, giving her that look like shits about to hit the fan, control your man. Then Dominic sets the wheels in motion when he says

"What? Hurt my feelings you bum ass nigga!" He was drawing closer until Gerald friends step in the way trying to calm the situation down but talking shit at the same time. That's when Gerald felt the need to display dominance in front of his friends and said

"Nigga, You the one who can't keep his household in order. As sexy as your wife is... you should be worrying about making her happy instead of sneaking up on her like a stalker. But now I see why she's unhappy when she comes here, after seeing you and thinking about to what she says about you.....shit, I'd be happy to get out that house too. But I bet she's real happy when she comes home!" he says smiling with his boys chuckling behind with him and giving him dap.

         Dominic pauses for a split second to recap what he just said. His heart rate increasing as the realization of the fact that apparently this wasn't there first engagement and things must have gone a lot deeper if this nigga was checking him about what went on in his household. A split second to realize the it was possible that this nigga had been trying to fuck his wife or had been fucking his wife. A split second to think about all the nights she came home and went straight to bed, all the days he spent masturbating in frustration and couldn't sleep because the woman he loved was always on his mind. His muscles were now fully tensed...and in that split second.... he reacted.

                                 The thoughts sent him into a jealous rage and he attacked. He lashed out and released all of his repressed anger on Gerald. The first blow struck Gerald so fast no one had time to react. Dominic punched Gerald square in the nose and Phiiah could only sit with her hands over her mouth in fear and watch as a full out brawl erupted right there in the gym hallway. She could only imagine what was next to come.


     


This Song is the emotional link to this post.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KcdZZnBfRA&index=33&list=PLKnBr1WV4KS30xfSPlesjngbjJneFtVQB

Chapter 1 part 1
The perfect storm




                     
                     Phiiah knew It was wrong...she felt it in her stomach, but every time they made eye contact from across the gym it made her feel attractive, confident and seductive. This had been going on for weeks between the two of them, texting and talking on the phone here and there, but never face to face. Knowing that he was watching her while she was in Zumba, gave her a reason to make sure every move she made accentuated her curves. He could barely focus on his own workout at some points and fell into a deep trance watching her bend and bounce to the music. She was on her knees, legs spread and face downed to the floor when she turned and gave him a quick enticing glare. The look in his eyes when they made contact made her wet and she briefly closed her eyes, smiled and continued to move to the beat.

                    She was feeling great, and the pace of the class was just right. Some of that new found energy stemmed from deep in the back of her mind. Images of that young man gripping her 36 inch hips from behind darted through her mind. She smiles again and sneaks another look at him as the class ends. But he was gone, no where in sight. She shrugged it off and hit the locker room. She was the quiet type in public places and normally left people alone, although this was her normal routine she really didn't know to many of the other girls in her Friday night Zumba class other than the instructor so she didn't spend much time in the locker room. She quickly showered but she always gave her face and hair special attention.

                   She was a well refined 35 year old woman, her mother was native Brazilian and had her at the age of 17. Phiiah was five years old when her mother left her with her father. Her father was of African decent and lived Miami. She was a very beautiful, caramel colored woman with a unique figure that demanded attention. Her thighs were a bit thick for her size but they were in excellent shape. She had a very large bust, a very slim waist and stood five foot even barefoot. Her hair was black long thick and curly and her eyes was golden honey brown.

                 She walks out of the locker room and stops at smoothie bar as normal to grab a protein shake then heads for the parking lot. As she approaches her car she receives a text message and she hopes it's from him. She checks the message and smiles because it is from him.

[ I wish we could finally meet up and talk one day ]
She stops and takes a deep breath, she fears that her next action will be a regrettable one. She thinks for a moment and replies [ Are you still at the gym?]
[ I was on my way home, but I can turn around]
[Ok, turn around. I'll be in the parking lot, sitting in my car. It's a blue maxima]
[Lol, I already know what car you drive]
[Oh, really! Are you stalking me?]
[yes, for weeks now]
[ That makes me feel better. ]
[!!!  Really, why is that?]
[At-least I know I'm not the only weird one *wink*]

                 Her heart starts beating and she grows more anxious as the minutes pass by, watching to see when his black Tahoe would pull into the parking lot. About 10 minutes later he pulls in and she opens her visor to quickly apply a little make up. He pulls in next to her and rolls down his window. She steps out and he says "you wanna sit in my truck for a minute and talk?" She steps out her car gives him a little smile and walks around to his passenger side and gets in.  He gives her a hug and says "well, it's nice to finally meet you in person, It took a lot out of me just to man up and ask to meet you."
"Yea, same here. my situation is complicated"
He reaches over and turns down the radio "Complicated? How so? are you married?"
"No but I live with my child's father, just for the time being. Are you married?"
"I'm separated, we haven't lived together in almost a year now. But that explains why the texts and conversations are so short."
"Well I thought you were cute and me and him don't ever get along so I thought I might as well explore other options. Can we go somewhere else and talk. I don't want to sit out here in front of the gym."
Sure...Um where do you want to go?"
"I don't care, somewhere just not here and not to far away"
"I-ight, cool."
He starts the truck and they pull off. They talk and laugh as they drive around looking for somewhere to park and talk. Phiiah desperately tries not to stare at his smooth thick brown lips, and catches herself biting her own lip and hopes he didn't notice. Although he did notice, he just stayed a gentleman and continued the conversation as normal. They pull into a small park area across from a basketball court and park.
"so why do they call you tack if you name is Gerald?"
"It's a long fucking story. funny but I hate it"
"Oh lawd, now I gotta know. C'mon, tell me"
"Fine... I might as well get it out the way now."
He begins his story with a childhood memory of an incident where his brother would always trick him by putting a tack in his seat. One day he decided to seek revenge and get his brother back by putting a tack in his brothers chair during church and it ended very badly for the both of them. They both laughed at the tale and a connection was formed.
"So, how old are you?" She asks
"I'm 29, and you?"
"I just turned 35."
"you don't look a day over 25. you just beautiful."
She blushes and enjoys the compliment then looks down at her phone. he notices her attitude changed as she scrolls through the phone. Then she punches a few keys before she turns it off and puts it away in her bag.
"Is something wrong?, If you need to go I can take you back to your car" he says as he turns down the radio once again
She stops and looks at him and regains her train of thought. She looks him deep in his eyes, then turns to the window to think to herself for a moment.
"Hello? Is everything OK? he asks again.
She turns to him then turns the radio back up and says "nope..everything is right!" and she slides out of her chair closer to him, grabs his face and begins to kiss him with such passion he didn't have enough time to interject...he just surrenders.

                      Her smell drives him crazy. They kiss with such emotion. She wants him and he wants her. She can barely contain herself from climbing completely into his chair and onto his lap. He grabs her hair and pulls her head back, exposing her neck, then he kisses and sucks the most sensitive part of her jugular vain, running his lips and tongue up and down from her collar bone to her chin while gripping her shapely but jiggly ass. She's cringing from the extreme arousal, her lips quivering and her clit throbbing. She purrs with passion and he responds by pushing her into the backseat and she falls onto the seat even more aroused. she entices him to come after her by pulling her shirt off and opening her legs, showing him that she wanted him to take her right there in the back of his truck.

                   He starts to climb over into the backseat and begins to take off his shirt when she presses her lips against his stomach, stopping him while he was still standing over her. She pulls his shirt up over her head and starts kissing all over his abs, leaving wet residuals all the way down to his dick. She swallows him and places his hands on her head. His erection fills her entire mouth and she gags a little but quickly adjusts herself and sucks his dick like a good girl. He lifts his shirt off and watches his dick go in and out of her pretty mouth and grips her hair harder. She handles him well, taking him deep and using her tongue causing him to harden with each flick.

                 As she serves him she begins to take off her gym tights. He stops her and climbs into the backseat while holding her neck gently. She bends to his will and follows his lead. He slides his basketball shorts down and places her back up against the back wall of the seat, placing her in a rear position and leaving both of them with one leg on the floor of the truck. He positions himself comfortably behind her, still holding her neck with his left arm, firmly placing her in his control and she feels his solid shift throbbing against her pussy. With one hand on her neck and the other with a hand full of dick, he begins to insert himself into her. It was tight and hard to squeeze into at first, but quickly changed each time he attempted due to the rush of vaginal oils running out from inside of her until she and wet enough for him to slide right in.

               She bends more, allowing him to have complete control of her. With her tights and panties half way down her legs and bent over the back seat of his truck, he strokes her hard and deep and she begins to scream out in pleasure, squirting a little with each stroke and her body language is coaxing him to go deeper and harder. Within moments she's screaming out "fuck me!" and he's pounding her pussy her like a prostitute in the back of a filthy alley and she's loving every moment of it. Phiiah moans and squirts all over the inside of her thighs and down his legs, motivating him to pleasure her more. He continues to go deep and grabs one of her breast and goes into a trance like state as he stiffens inside of her, squeezing her breast with one hand holding her hair with the other.

                Her ass is thick and he watches it jiggle as he pounds her harder and harder, admiring the beautiful tattoos of butterflies and well drawn flowers flowing around her waist and up her left side leading into a beautiful butterfly chest piece. She was drop dead gorgeous and he was fucking the shit out of her raw dog, stoking her strong and holding her like she was a small doll until all the windows steamed up, hand prints of passion placed across the back fogged windows. Her breast pressed against the glass, his motion driving her chest to press harder and harder until she squirted. Her essences erupted like a pulsating faucet, across his shaft and down his legs. It turned him on even more to know he was providing this beautiful woman wth such deep pleasure and listening to her scream with such intensity. He couldn't take it anymore, the feeling was overwhelming and he was about to cum. He tried to hold it as long as he could but the pleasure only intensified, forcing him to blow all over her back.

               He came hard and consistently for about 10 seconds, leaving her ass and pussy lips coated and dripping in his thick white jizz. She welcomed it and spread her ass, giving him an alluring look while he nutted all over her. She had gotten her wish, she had been fantasizing about him for weeks until she lost control of her emotions.


               An hour later, Phiiah pulls into her drive way with a smile on her face but when she thinks about going into the house, that smile turns into a frown and she grabs her gym bag and exits the vehicle. She sighs as she looks around the house and begins to feel like she's trapped in a horrible place again. Her daughter Savannah comes darting out from the bedroom screaming in joy and gesturing to be hugged. Phiaah smiles and greets her with love and kisses. She carries Savannah into the kitchen to pour her a drink when Dominic comes in behind her and says "well thanks for letting me know you were home and greeting me babe."She responds with "You heard me come in, shit, you could have came and said something to me. Why I gotta come to you all the damn time!"
"I see it's going to be another day you come home with a damn attitude for no reason. All i said was you could have greeted me like a normal girlfriend does instead of just walking in the house like we are room mates and shit!"
"Whatever Dom, I'm not going through this shit with you today!"
"Going though what? I didn't even do shit! I'm just trying to fucking talk to you! And I sent you a text two days ago, telling you how I felt and you still haven't acknowledged that. You just act like the shit I say anit shit!"
"Why is it always have to be about you dom! what about me?"
"Shit, you tell me! I'm the one always trying to get you to talk or express yourself without it being during an argument. You express yourself well when you mad but I can't get an ounce of emotion out of you during sex or just plain conversation. So what the fuck are you talking about?"
"Whatever, fine!"
"There you go with that whatever, fine, shit again. what does "whatever" or "fine" mean? what? please tell me! does it mean you agree or the conversation is over or what? what the fuck does that mean?"
"It means I'm done with talking. Your never happy! I come home everyday and clean this house and take care of Savannah. I'm sick of you acting like I'm such a fucked up girlfriend!"
"Yeah, you do do that, and that's all you do. You clean, you do the clothes. But what about the shit I'm asking you to do, like do something with me, make love to me. I mean shit, kiss me with passion for once!"
"You don't appreciate me Dom, you don't appreciate shit. All you care about is me sucking your dick. that's all this is about!"
"I didn't even say shit about that, you missing everything I'm saying and focusing on that bullshit just to gain ground. I'm not stupid Phi, you do the same shit every time. I'm asking for companionship and affection."
"Whatever, fine!" And she walks away carefree. Dominic stands there in frustration once again and just shakes his head. He can't seem to get through to her and he cannot understand why. He wants to follow behind her and force her to answer hi questions but he knows its only going to antagonize the situation. So once again he has to live with his wonder and live with the fact that he won't find a resolution today either. So he decides to go back into his office and continue to work, things normally calm down a few hours after Phiiah gets home. They have not seen eye to eye for years now and these days things only seem to be getting worst. He refuses to let her stress him out but he cannot find the strength to let her go. He wishes he could get through to her or at least get her to tell him why she was treating him like this. It would have eased his mind to know something! knowing nothing was riving him crazy. She claimed she loved him but she never shows it and her reason for that is always inconclusive, never clear enough for him to understand.

                   As usual when Phiiah got home from work or the gym she would start cleaning the house then take a shower and watch her shows until she fell asleep. This was the daily process to include the arguing and distance between them while she was awake. Dominic didn't know what to do and he was starting to lose it. Though he loved Phiiah deeply, he was losing himself chasing after her. He spent most of his free time in his office preparing work for the next day and she'd either be in the bedroom watching love and hip hop, or basketball wives until she fell asleep. Dominic was a high school gym teacher and an aspiring singer. He worked during the day at school and spent most of his nights working on music or preparing for work.


                   He and Phiiah had been together for 3 years and things weren't always like this. At one point in time their relationship was them verses the world but that all changed when Dominic got medically retired from the fire department due to a bad knee operation. He was a good looking 38 year old black man. five foot eleven, very handsome and had a strong body. But there was something about him that made Phiiah lose interest in him and he had no idea what it was. It was driving him crazy trying to figure it out. He quit smoking because she wouldn't kiss him but after he quit she still wouldn't kiss him. He tried to communicate with her but she does not respond with motivation. She only gives him short brief answers. He's also tried to find common interest between the two of them but she never seems to enjoy or give 100% in the things he presents to her so now he's just at the point of letting go...But they have a child.

                    He just takes it one day at a time and hopes for the best. Though today he's more upset than normal. He has watched this daily trend between them go on for months now and he wants answers. So in the midst of his frustration he decideds to write down his emotions and keep a journal. This way if he ever decided to leave his family, he could look back and understand why he did it with out any guilt.

                                                              Journal entry 1
                                                          September 14th 2017

I'm sitting here mad as hell again and listening to the same old love songs! I hate love and I wish I never knew what love was. It's been the bane of my existence literally. Damn, I need to change up this routine right now because I cannot live one more day like this. Phiiah and I are not compatible and we are headed for a disaster so extreme it will change our lives forever. I hate her for not loving me and I think she hates me for hating her because I show my anger everyday and I verbalize it all day long on most days. It's bad, and I know it's going to get worst because my resentment for her know is almost irreversible. Everyday she comes home from work, she has this fucked up attitude as soon as she walks in the door. It's been going on for so long now it turns my stomach immediately. She makes me feel worthless and unattractive on a daily bases. She swears she doesn't to the grave but even when I breakdown every little instance or situation pertaining to why I think this, she just looks at me like I'm stupid and gets silent. She never acknowledges what I'm desperately trying to show her like I'm speaking another language. It fucks with my mind and makes me wonder hundreds of different things like ; Is she listening? Am I expressing the emotion in the right way? Does she care or is she just acting? So many things go through my mind when I'm talking to her and the whole time she's displaying no concern and won't say shit. She just looks at me and eventually says "OK " or "fine" if she didn't storm off mad by then.

It's been this way for years now along with a ton of other shit that probably got me to this I don't give a fuck attitude. She made me hurt so bad for so long, I want her to feel pain now. Pure resentment, and vengeance. I makes me even madder to know that she made me feel this way about her while a piece of me still wants her to just understand and change. I wish I could just let her go right now, just up and walk away at this very moment. Sad part is we have a child and I want to get away from Phiiah so bad I'm willing to leave my child. That makes me wonder even more; is that a black man thing? Is it a personal trait? How could I hate her so much right now I'm willing to walk away from my two year old daughter just to relieve the pain and stress just so "I" can live happy. I'm so scared of my next action because I feel like I'm going to do or say something that will impact our relationship so hard..there will be no going back.

I don't want to cheat on her but I need some real affection bad. I want to feel needed and wanted and the lack of it for so long has gotten me desperate. I'm a creature of passion and without it I dwindle away. I had to except who I was in order to move forward in life. I need strong passion, praise, support and loyalty from my woman. This is me, and when I don't have it.. I can't be me and function creatively. This is why it hurts so bad, this is why I'm so pressed to just abandon the relationship, because I know the real me is dying trying to fix something that I now believe wasn't meant to be in the first place. Four years of my life wasted! Four years I'm never going to get back, only relive for the rest of my life and drag the next woman through.

I don't need male friends to be successful, all I need is my woman. I believe that a man and woman in a loyal and loving relationship can conquer army and weather any storm. I learned that at a young age and it is the sole reason I want love and marriage in my life so bad. I'm so ready to stop worrying about my relationship and ready to focus on my future and dreams. Phiiah has no interest in my dreams or creations. It's so bad, I can write about her and she would never know because she's so unattached to my interests, she don't even have the motivation to be nosey.


To be continued.......

emotional link to this entry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okGcksYM0N8&list=PLKnBr1WV4KS30xfSPlesjngbjJneFtVQB&index=32