Selfish or selfless

    For the last 10 years I have been going through the worst situations with family, whether it was a divorce, children, or my bloodline (as in my parents, aunts and uncles), it has always been a painful struggle for me. But now I'm presented with two major situations dealing with family, that can either make me or break me forever. What makes it even more severe is the fact that it's still inter-connected to the rest of my family issues and will determine future outcomes in those areas. deep down inside I truly know what needs to be done, It's my unhappiness that I fear will be at stake.

     I am a giver, and my whole life I spent giving more than I received, and because of that, I lost out on a lot in life; Money, position, friends, respect, and a lot of material objects. But when I almost lost my career and my life back in 2013, I realized that majority of the population in this world are selfish, capitalizing, unethical people and it was I who needed to change. I was passive aggressive, and for the way I was built, and the life that I was born into, passive aggressive was not the proper stance for me. Now that I am at the "put your money where your mouth is" stage of my career, I am once again being tested. This one hurts and I can't wait for it to be over. I have to help my mom, I have to fight to see my children, I have to present a successful book launch, I have to be a full time leader, role model, Chef and manager at work, and I have to ensure my catering business flourishes.

     How much do I sacrifice to do what I feel is right? Do I give it all up? Am I looking at sacrifices from the wrong perspective to begin with and not appreciating them as future blessings? Is my PTSD and Emotional side misguiding me? These are questions that are floating in my head all day long when I considered the paths I chose to deal with my family issues. But time has run out and the real war is right in front of me advancing, forcing me to chose now.

     I love my mother, I am the only child and she is the reason I am who I am today. I love my uncles and aunts, they are the reason I think the way I do. I love my children, They are a gift from god. But now I must fight. I must fight to have rights to my children. I must fight and find a way to get my mother out of the life treating situation she is in. I must go against whatever natural emotion I have to just focus on myself (at least until I get more stable) then fight the war with more resources. I have to fully engage this war right now!

     How much am I willing to sacrifice? My first book is due to hit the market October 2nd 2019. I know that if I don't advertise correctly, I will lose out, and to do this it takes resources. If I put my current resources into past or current obligations, I can slowly increase my monthly income. But If I wait too long to engage my family issues, what impacts could that have on my future? will my children not respect me, or not understand the situation fully? Because at this point, If I pull my retainers and suspend my actions to gain lawful rights over them, It will take even longer to be a parent to them.

     My mother must move to North Carolina with me. It's sad because of the way it all played out. My family made a very bad decision with the property my grandparents left them. a property that has a value to change 10 peoples lives. Lack of communication, disarray due to family deaths, and pure and unadulterated selfishness has left us all in denial. It has also put my mother in a very terrible situation that only I can fix, and it has to be fixed right now. How will this affect my life, my marriage, my current war?

     God has a plan for me, I just know it, I just don't know what it is yet. What I do know is it is coming to a head. It is happening right now and it is applying pressure, anxiety, fear and good fortune all at the same time. It also has me on high alert, overthinking and constant planning, which all leads back to the same question.....

Am I being selfish or selfless?

Funny use of words ...
sell fish  -  I can take a life to survive
sell flesh - I can use my life to help others survive

Slander - The action or crime of making a false spoken statement damaging to a person's reputation.



 This is a story about a retired army veteran named "Aire" working on a military base as an executive chef
                                                              (This is a fictional story)


                 Aire was a very passive man; disciplined in many arts of hand to hand combat and martial arts, He was also raised in the streets of Harlem New York city as the only child. He entered the U.S army to escape the hood and make a name for himself. He was a short, soft-spoken, very well educated black man. In his 14th year as a career soldier and SSG/E-6, He went through a serious divorce and fell in love with a beautiful young woman named Dove. Dove consoled Aire in his time of need and won his heart and they became an item. But Dove was PFC/ E-3 and he was a Non commissioned officer, So their relationship was considered "Breaking the rules".

              After being warned time and time again about the relationship, Aire and Dove tried to keep their love hidden, But their supervisors took it personally and broke the rules themselves in an attempt to catch them. In the end, It was Dove lack of professionalism at work that drove the stake into Aire's heart and ended his career (so he thought), and in his 15th year he was busted down in rank and took a loss of almost $2,000 a month. crippling his life and career so badly, he could never ever recover (so he thought). Aire began to stress and use recreational drugs as a coping mechanism. Little did he know he was self medicating a more serious health issue

             Then the 4 year war began...... Desperately Aire and dove fought tooth and nail to stay afloat and somehow salvage the unknown future. But Dove, was falling out of love with Aire. Maybe it was the lost of money, maybe it was the prospect of Aire getting kicked out the army with an dishonorable discharge. Still, to this day... Aire does not know. All he knows is he ended up fighting the entire fort leonard wood and a separate more hostile war at home. He begged her for love and she did not give it. He asked her to talk and she only ignored him. She barely touched him and eventually once she started working at E.D.X; her new found friends and attention pushed her further away. So far away he tried to commit suicide.

            But they had a child.... a beautiful little girl that he loves soooo much, and right before Aire put the car into drive and go straight of the bridge just past devils elbow...... he thought about that child and his others, then he had an epiphany! The Army had abandoned him, the woman he lost everything for had abandoned him.  But this small glimpse of what his future may hold if he listened to the unknown voice gave him a moment of hope, it changed his mind. so he sat there with his foot on the gas and the parking brake in his hand and thought. What if the voice was right, what if the voice was a delusion. Minutes went by, and a river of tears filled his lap. He had decided.... He decided to fight back, he chose to live!

          Aire listened very carefully to that voice and took heed to what it said an showed him. And instantly things started to change. blessings were falling from the heavens at a slow but very constant rate. Aire noticed that the more he followed his heart, the more he fought back, the more blessings came..... except one..... Dove would not change. She was set upon forcing Aire to leave her by excessive mistreatment and lack of affection. She didn't want the break up to be "her fault" and she was too afraid to say she just didn't love him anymore. So for the remaining 3 years of their relationship. Dove knowingly (or unknowingly) forced Aire to concede and walk away from her.

       He was fed up, just coming out of the worst depression imaginable and still fought. Aire was in a military police battalion, and their no tolerance laws far exceeded the armies way of thinking and they outcasted him. the mistreatment he received was beyond civil violations. The entire battalion gazed upon him with shame and resentment. He fought and fought. bit his tongue, put on a great smile did everything he could do until the U.S army finally had no more room to prosecute him and he retired as an E-4. But Aire was cunning, in god's favor and extremely lucky, some of those constant blessing contained; A trip to rehab for using recreational drugs that resulted in him receiving over $3,000 a month an VA benefits because of a hyperthyroid condition that the military overlooked for years, a full military retirement, and a job as an executive chef right back on base at E.D.X, the place that tried to bury him alive.


     Then a new threat arose.... After Aire finally left dove he had to fight to see his child. The child he was home with for over 2 years of his and her life as he waited to be dishonorably discharged. The child he spent over 10 hours a day with, teaching, feeding and raising while Dove worked, went to the gym, and partied with her new found friends.  She literally left him home to die with no concern. So Aire decided to take Dove to court and put himself on child support. But Dove would not give Aire her new address and was trying to skip town...... so before he let his child slip away, before she could try to take more of his money, Aire hired a lawyer, took her to court and had her served at work. He had no choice, he wasn't about to lose his baby girl by any means. Dove lied and didn't tell people that she used his child as an advantage every chance she got. She tried everything, she tried to force him into marriage in order to have his child around the woman he was with. Because her excuse for him not to see his child was because the woman he was seeing wasn't his wife. Dove was also cunning, She slandered Aire to everyone who would listen or had an external reason to hate Aire and before he got hired....the people who worked above and below him welcomed him with a hostile environment, in an attempt to strengthen her personal war.

     She told people he beat her, she told people he was broke and he couldn't cook. She told people very horrible things about Aire which only gave Aire's new enemies power. Some people had been working at E.D.X for a very long time and was very upset that Aire got promoted. Some of those people took it personally. Some vowed to see him fired, some claimed they would not work for him, others outright disrespected him and spread Dove's rumors out of sheer jealousy.

    The very first day of working as an executive chef, Aire was directly disrespected by a "cook"Named sloan who worked in bldg 9911 ( not a supervisor, a regular worker) Whom was of lesser rank and authority. She came to work that morning, folded her arms in a corner and directed Aire as if he was the subordinate. When aire tried to be civil and establish his position she ran and told one of her close friends and Aires supervisor, a woman named April Mae.

    It appeared from that moment, April - mae rode Aire professionally and unprofessionally. But Aire had been through that prior, when he was a military cook, so he kinda took it lightly. but the complaint went all the way to the top and Aire found himself being told to "just go with the flow, here at E.D.X, we do things differently. And so he did... he went with the flow. but not even two days later, Sonya and fellow executive chef started in on Aire. Lying and spreading rumors. She actually told Aires co workers that he was stealing money out of the cash box every night. not thinking that Aire just spent $200 of his own money on a thanks giving event and worked over 10 hours on his day off to set up that event, unpaid with no complaints. To this date, Aire put over $200 dollars back into the cash box every-time it came up short just to combat the slander.

  She made every complaint she could, she even started to lie so much because Aire was so hated that people started changing the work environment into a hostile environment. People from all buildings was treating Aire like a dog, talking about him and ruining his character. Sonya even went to one of Aires friends child, amped him up and convinced him to fight Aire. That young man was arrested moments after leaving the bar on devils elbow christmas day and is still locked up because of Sonya malcontent. whatever she told him, it pissed him off so bad that he came home, kicked in the door and attacked Aire. As said earlier Aire is a devout martial artist that absolutely loved to fight. after being bullied most of his childhood years Aire had over 500 fights before he got to high school. he fought for the 2nd id korean taekowndo team, held 2 blackbelts and studied pretty much every version of fighting there is...... and he whooped that 26 year old boy into submission with out a scratch and after Aire left the home, the man attack his mom and her friend resulting in a 7 year sentence.

    But Sonya had the audacity to come in the next day and tell Aire "she was "sorry". coincidentally when she walked into the office to take over shift, Aire was in the middle of telling his co worker how he " whoooped this mans ass" and still didn't know why the man attacked him. Sonya clarified that reason and Aire was livid.

   But Aire stood his ground and decided to continue to listen to what that voice said. "fight back" he heard and so fight back he did. He decided to counter all accusations directly since he was being indirectly attacked. Some of the envious E.D.X workers were straight cowards. So the slander continued. Aire... being the smart person he was, hired a lawyer. he always had a lawyer for something. then Aire began to document and film his mistreatment and extremely hostile environment. He documented people sleeping and breaking rules, he visited other buildings and documented shift leaders and first cooks breaking policy, for he knew his enemy would not let up. they were many, and it would take a supreme blow to finally end the slander.

Aire wasn't mad at the office, oh no! Aire was going to be just as petty as the cowards who slandered him. the jealous, stagnant, lazy, human waste that really didn't care about the company policies and reputation. so he challenged them on an facebook page just to see just how far the rabbit hole went.

 Once again... in the end, it all fell back on Dove. Dove had slandered Aire so much that almost everyone hated him and they didn't even know him or what he had experienced. The more and more he prospers, the more and more she realized what a mistake she made. sometimes shes sweet, sometimes she's evil and shows no regard for the relationship between Aire and his child. But shes always asking for money when less than 6 months ago he was a "dead beat broke ass nigga"

So as Aires final warning, in hopes that maybe things will change, he decided to let me write this story so he could properly introduce himself to his fellow co workers. He feel he owes it to them for some reason before things escalated. I understand him.... anyone can turn the other cheek when the circumstances are non physical and solely directed at one person. but when people start saying he doesn't do for his child when he gives her mother more money than her pay check on top of gifts etc, it changes the environment. when people start treating someone unequally, effecting their well being, job, and home life.... it changes the environment.

    When workers use make physical threats to have someone hurt, it changes the environment, especially when they have no idea the capabilities of the person they are threatening. for all we know, that person might take it off base and catch the slanderer or attacker and confront them. When supervisors, Co workers and peers decide to plot on this mans job and not give him a fair shot, use personal feelings in a professional environment it changes that environment.
So as a mediator I decided to help "Aire" and post this.

*He has a cooked for generals and hosted many military events
* he has competed in over 14 army culinary competitions and won all but 2 at the highest level of the branch as well as many civilian competitions. he knows the TB med extremely well due to those competitions
*He has trained over 1000 military troops and civilian workers in food handling, preparation and storage.
*He has a degree in culinary arts and currently in school for hotel and restaurant management.
* He has supervised at least 4 dining facilites on fort leonardwood and was the culinary arts instructor for fort leonardwood.
*He has deployed to iraq, Korea, and Bosnia totaling over 7 years of time away from his family to defend you lazy worthless unappreciative welfare recipients.
* He retired after 20 years of service, something less than 1% of all americans past and present will ever do.
* and sooooooo many more accolades, awards and decorations both civilian and military alike.
*He is highly intelligent, extremely physical, vindictive, and passionate about his crafts.
* He has earned his position whether you like it or not and this is his final warning to keep his name out your mouth. and if your not a coward then instead of bumping your gums to joe smoe at work in some distant building, why don't you have the intestinal fortitude to say it to the man's face. your so big and bold from the shadows, you see him out in town, at the elementary school, or in Walmart. believe in yourself and the lies you tell and stop whispering... be direct, or say "why don't you go tell that man how you feel since you talk soooo much about him!"

P.S. if you work for him, he vowed to ensure you will work and earn your pay from this day forth. If you want the book and E.D.X policies to stand out front...... that is exactly what your going to get come monday morning. no friends..... straight work!

 Milestone - Suppression & Sacrifice

They say heavy is the head that wears a crown.... This statement is true and has nothing to do with being a king, but it has everything to do with being in charge - Being the one responsible for other people's welfare, money and trust. I know if it all goes bad, I take full responsibility, and trust me, it's a lot! So when I use the word "All"...I do mean everything- full domino effect, my whole world collapses in front of my eyes, Checkmate, Game over man! The crazy part about it all... is the part that freaks me out the worst. Every aspect of my life at this point in time is one of three things; history repeating or correcting  itself,  Deja vu, or a real life premonition. Now mix that with my past, my current day to day life, and how this is playing out, got me thinking I'm going crazy.

Simply because "All" of the lives involved, past and present.  But the most important people; the ones who effected my life are the most are connected to each other in some way without me making the connection. For example; I was command referred to the Army Substance abuse program in 2013, every week I sat in a two hour meeting / class, and majority of that time was spent in some sort of argument or debate between my counselor and I over marijuana. I always won, until she finally would throw in my face that marijuana destroyed my career and now there is a great possibility that I may lose everything over it. Strangely that very counselor is the mother in law of someone directly involved with my company, and I never knew until everything start going well for my company. So many people in my life right now have strange connections to other people from my past.


This leaves me with the fear of leading dozens of people into believing in a dream that I believe I must accomplish. A failure that will not just affect me, but "all" of the most important people in my life.  And if anything in my life fails or is not accomplished, is where the whole domino effect comes into play. If I could explain it "all"... some of you would be shaking your head like " I don't know how you can mange all that after going through so much". Others would say " This man is extremely smart....but he is a little crazy!" And the few - the weak, would have nightmares with dealing with a small portion of what I deal with everyday! I know this because I have nightmares, just a whole lot less than I did a few years ago when shit was at it's worst. A couple of months ago I wrote a blog Titled "letting go" and I believe that was the time I realized an alternative method to dealing with "all" this exists.

And Its so simple, I feel retarded  knowing it took me so long to figure it out. I wonder how many other people still haven't figured it out. I wonder If I figured this out before I turned 18, where would I be? It's a very selfish but effective strategy, and the earlier you learn it, the less baggage you will have to take to the next relationship business or personal.

                              "Never settle. Be honest with yourself about what you really want in life, and it takes a few broken eggs to make a cake."

To accomplish these you will have to sacrifice other peoples emotions sometimes. Because every interaction doesn't always work out in all parties favor. But as long as that decision is for the greater good" then a few hurt feelings won't matter because the few don't outweigh the majority. You can't please everyone, so choosing to do what's in the benefit of the majority is the logical approach.
I can no longer choose the paths of suppression or sacrifice because they both leave guilt and resentment on me.

Friday July 21st (concert night)
The day started off fucked up but it's all good. I'm tired of explaining everything to everyone. I'm starting to believe that everyone around me treats me the same way because of the way i come off - passive. It's changing me into someone I'm not. I try to be fair to everyone, I learned that from all of the years of unfairness and mistreatment I experienced in my lifetime. But It seems like because of this - people take advantage of my kindness, as a weakness, or try to get as much out of me or over on me as they can. Me being aware of this is bad for the people that's not doing this to me because I been through it so much and its on my mind so much that I have an invisible wall up and everyone is affected by it.

We started off behind on everything from time lines to payments and by the time we were ready to open the doors everything was in disarray. the show was supposed to start at 8pm and I cant even find most of my acts. Friends of the acts didn't want to pay or show support and instead of them coming out on a professional level they wanted to drink in the car knowing a have a full bar inside! only 25 people showed up and most of the others pulled into the parking lot but never came in because the show never started or it was too many people out front drinking and acting the damn fool. Even members of my own team never showed up, and this is our first stand alone event! But if i say something about any of this then I gotta get excuses or I'm the one coming off wrong.

By the end of the night everyone got their shit together and we closed the show off decent. But by then I already accepted the fact that we just lost a ton of money, We didn't get any video done, I had a panic attack and passed out an hour before I was supposed to take the stage and perform and we didn't sell any tickets, food or alcohol. I was fed up and I knew it was time for action and change. My company wasn't going down like this. So I took a few minutes to have one last internal conversation with myself and move forward. I knew then and there that, I'm wasting my time, money and my sanity in all parts of my life; business and personal.

Why do I (the CEO)  have to track people down in order for them to fulfill their commitment?
Why do I show more interest in other peoples career or life than they do?
Why am I stressing over everything and everyone else is so nonchalant about everything?
Am I overstepping my boundaries? Should I stop or keep trying to motivate people?
Do I talk to much? Should I change my natural way of life to accommodate others just to fit in?
When am I going to say "enough is enough, I'm tired of people not meeting me half way, with business and my personal life?"

Saturday Night (masquerade ball)
Once again the day started off fucked up. I started the day off begging people to be where they supposed to be and those who was supposed to do very important tasks only came through half way to include financial commitments. I was scared that I just ruined my entire companies lifespan But I couldn't cancel. We sold to many tickets and spent over $9,000 at this point. The show had to go on if I wanted my respect and reputation to at least stay in place. So once again I had to explain, accommodate, hustle, and over extend myself just to make sure the show was as successful as possible. We only got 70% of the decor up but the place looked beautiful, but it was already time to start the show and I wasn't even dressed yet.

Then the miraculous happened... People started showing up, paying at the door and buying drinks. I left the helm in the hands of my art and design director, And my VP and I ran to get dressed. When I got back 45 minutes later, we had about 40 people in the venue and they all looked excited to be there. By the time the show started, we were at our peak of about 60 people in the building total with crew and guests and people were still buying tickets at the door. I saw the light and things were looking up. All the acts put on a great show and everyone was enjoying themselves. But we still didn't get to shoot any video and I was still in the hole from the night prior so I still had some explaining to do somewhere.

By the end of the night I was content with the show and all doors were closed with the external vendors and acts. we fell very short of or target goals but at least we had a clear outlook on what was going to happen next.

The next day was even worst because I had one of the worst arguments with one of my vice presidents and my "so called" girlfriend, both in which I feel should be the first to understand or support me. Both in which will not hold up their end of the deal but expect me to cater to them. but that's my life story as always...explaining and catering to the people that should already support or understand simply because of the proximity they have to the situation. So Now I'm done, and here comes the pain! Now I know what needs to be done in all aspects. Now hearts will be broken and people will have absolute reason to say I am selfish.

 I always loved to thought of "love." "hopeless romantic" should be my middle name. But I have come to realize that "I" have to accept my own needs in order to be happy in my love life. This is why I cannot pass judgment on anyone when it comes to what that like and want. I hear men call women "gold diggers" and think that title will cause some kind of enlightenment. In fact I agree with a "gold digger" simply because if money makes her happy to the point she loves the person she is with, then that's "all" that matters. Most men love sex, so if it takes an abundance of sex to keep a man happy and faithful then how can you say it's wrong for someone to need money to do the same thing?

There is no difference. everyone is different and their needs are different. This is where effective communication comes into play and where most relationships fail. People are reluctant to admit what it is they need to sustain happiness out of fear of judgment. If you think crack is what you need, you will be unhappy trying to stay away from crack until you feel different and no one can change that but you. So I no longer tell people what they like or need based on my opinion, It's a waste of time. I know my needs and wants and I also know a lot of people won't agree with them. That doesn't change the fact that I still want or need them to function properly or to be happy.

                                                                 "Judge not or be judged first"

So if the decisions I make here in the future leaves people upset or mad at me....so be it. I spent half of my life suppressing my needs, I will not spend the other half doing the same thing. I gave 20 years of my life to an organization filled with people that tried to ruin my life with no remorse for my children or family. I spent over 15 years dealing with women that barely met me half way, and In my time of need, they wasn't there. And I spent over 10 years putting my dreams and aspirations to the side so other people could be happy momentarily.

I'm watching my family in New York deteriorate over A 2 million dollar co-op apartment ever since I lost my grandmother in 2011 and it's only gotten worst since my grandfather passed on my daughter's birthday February of this year. It's tearing me apart to be in the situation I'm in and not being able to do anything about it. I have children that I talk to but haven't seen or hugged in over 5 years due to the situation I'm stuck in and it weighs heavily on my heart. I have been dealing with Army personnel that tried to take everything I ever worked for away from me because of personal feelings and worst of "all", the person who supposed to have my back through "all" this, just started to show me they care in the last 4 months after 6 years and expect me to not have resentment so we fight everyday "all" day. I have no sanctuary, I have no base of operations to retreat to, "all" I have is the my mind to play orchestrator and mediator for everything I go through.

There are people in my life that I love and love me but I'm at a point in which I don't want to hurt them because of my walls, wants and needs. They will be hurt. There are decisions that I will make in order to ensure my companies success to the best of my abilities that will determine who will remain in my personal life. And I know these things must happen now or I will only prolong, or make things worst for everyone involved due to me suppressing or sacrificing "my" wants and needs. The same people that never liked a post, bought a song or even show any interest in any of my works to include this one. So they are leaving me no choice but to let go and pursue my happiness.

So when I say "all", I do mean "all" of it is tied together in some way that will effect the future of my company government industries, down to the meaning of the logo and reaching all the way into my military career and personal life. And I blame it all on myself, my passiveness and empathetic ways. Even though I know it's to late for me to change certain aspects of my personality, I can accept my wants and needs to be happy, so I'm going for it "all". The only entity I fear is the almighty, so understand any and all promises or commitments I make I'm going to do or die trying.

If the people around me don't understand that I'm different then fuck em! No more explaining to get them to understand or appreciate me. I am the unappreciated genius, the person who talks too much or the easy target in the eyes of some. I accept it

I am done loving people who can't love me the way I need it!
I'm done taking care of people who don't give a fuck about me!
I'm done over extending myself to accommodate others and how they feel!
I'm done stressing about everything to the point it affects my day to day life!
I'm done explaining and I'm done being unhappy!


From here on out my life is dedicated to government industries LLC, my children and "my" happiness. No more sleepless nights, or cloudy days, the storm is over now. I'm 40 years old, I spent "all" of my life supporting other peoples dreams and lives. I know I'm presented with a special opportunity and I won't miss it or let someone else fuck this chance up. We have excellent products that will not only compete in the industry, but exceed today's standards. We have a great team and the potential to become a household brand name. But most of "all" I know if it "all goes bad... I will face the blunt of the repercussions alone. So I have to boss up, and lead from the front regardless on the situation in which I find myself. I'm in too deep now, I must finish what I started and I refuse to let my people down. So anything that may be a possible obstacle will be removed before I run out of chances and lose everything.


Everyone should listen to the words of this song. It describes everything I just discussed. I'm sure a lot of you can relate once you heard it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqOu5u-_GCE

Chapter Two
Part one


                                                                  Soulmates

       A beautiful ranch style home sat underneath the stars, secluded and closed off by an enormous lake which sat a quarter of a mile behind it. The house was dim, the garage door was lifted and a range rover, was parked inside, along with a Lincoln navigator and two diesel pick up trucks parked in the driveway. A small herd of horses frolicked and grazed comfortably in field behind their stable, only to be frightened by a horrifying sound as of one of their owners screamed in terror.

       "I think she likes it, I know I do! Look at her face, she's caught between pleasure and pain, It's fucking beautiful" whispers Demetria as she grips the mans head, forcing him to watch his wife being brutally raped in front of him. Between his tears, emotions and her cries he could barely keep his eyes closed. He struggled to maintain his train of thought, knowing he himself, would face a far worst consequence. He was gagged, naked and strapped down to a chair as Demetria rode him cowgirl, gripping his hair tighter and tighter as she stared deeply into the mirror directly in front of her, in a freakishly lustful trance from the sight of Tommy having his way with the woman on the bed behind her.

       The man was also trapped between horror and pleasure, His eyes were red from anger, his heart raced and he was sweating profusely. His penis was engorged with blood as Demetria squeezed her asshole tighter and tighter. Suddenly she finds herself in orgasm, kissing the mans ear so ferociously, she bites his ear off and spits it out onto the floor beside the chair they were in. She laughs and catches her breath before she dismounts. She lifts his chin and looks him in his eyes and says "now the real fun begins!" Tommy grabs the woman by her hair and forces her onto her knees, making her face her tortured husband. "Please, no more! we will do whatever you want. Just don't hurt us...please!" she yells. Demetria look at the woman and snickers then walks over to a bag, pulling out a strange device.

       She smiles as she places the device on the mans lap and straps it onto his genitals. He is horrified by the sight of it and goes into a frenzy, trying to break his bonds. His grunts and moans only entices Demetria more and more. Soon he concedes to exhaustion, realizing he is trapped and must face his fate. Demetria watches the man tire himself before she steps back and switches on the device; a molded fiberglass like guillotine with a small power saw in place of the blade. Then places the mans semi erect penis in the device and switches on the saw. Then she pulls a very large dildo out the bag and gets on her knees, placing between the mans legs. She turns to Tommy and says "make that bitch scream!" and shoves the dildo in her asshole and begins to suck the mans balls.

       Desperately he tries to ignore this moment of terror, doing everything in his power to control his body, but she was very skilled, She sucked his balls and gave him full view of her ass and Tommy violently pounding his wife on the bed. He tried to fight it with everything in him but to no avail. he cried out as his penis slowly hardened, closing the distance between his cock and the saw blade. He cried out and squeezed his eyes shut but Demetria was relentless, she slurped and swallowed his balls so well he could only lean his head back and look at the ceiling and try to calm himself. His wife staring in his eyes with tears running down her face while Tommy continuously rammed his 12 inch cock inside of her. She tried not to look and dropped her head, but Tommy grabs her by the back of her hair and makes her watch.

     Within a small amount of time, his flesh was torn by the blade and Demetria was in orgasm again. She pressed he lips beneath the mans shaft, pushing it into the blade, enjoying the blood splattering on her face. He passes out from pain , with his head laid back and Demetria finishes herself off with a sinister but lustful grin. Then she stands up and kisses the man on his forehead. "Goodbye love" She whispers before she slits his throat. Her head leans to the side watching the blood ooze down the dead mans chest. "Beautiful" she says and snaps around to Tommy. She watches Tommy enjoy himself with the frantic woman while she cries out in fear and shock.

       It turns her on to see her husband in such a fury. Every time they come to this moment, she falls a little more in love with him. Out of pure passion Demetria walks up to the bed, reaches over the woman and strokes Tommy's face then she kisses him. It's just what he needed to take him over the edge. faster and faster he strokes the woman from behind. Passion building up as he and Demetria kiss. Demetria begins to play with herself with one hand and holding the woman's head pressed against the bed with the other. And with a few last powerful strokes, Tommy snatches Demetria closer, deepening the kiss as he nuts inside the woman.

       The heated moment sends Demetria into another orgasm, and they continue to kiss as they release simultaneously. Then they both smile and stare into each other eyes finishing off the explosive climax. Demetria looks down and lifts the distraught woman's head by her hair, holding her head up to look at her dead husband sit in a pool of his own blood. "Oh my god, your monsters!" She tries to fight with vigor one last time, but she barely moved. Tommy was too big and strong for her to move even an inch. The woman screamed as loud as she could as she watched Demetria reach for the knife. Demetria pushes the woman's face back into the bed, suffocating her and stabbing her repeatedly in the back of her head.

       Blood sprays everywhere and Tommy lets out a roar of triumph then releases the dead woman onto the foot of the bed. Blood soaking the floral patterned comforter, dripping onto a bag full of money and jewels. Then they passionately kiss and laugh out in victory before they loot the house and escape with out a trace of evidence.

The next morning
7:18 am
Las vegas

       The sun rays and warm breeze peeked through the balcony curtains of the lavish hotel room.  Half eaten room service, empty champagne bottles and over a two million dollars in cash and jewels glittered the floor. Demetria is awaken with a kiss and breakfast in bed. Her eyes still closed she smiles and returns the kiss. She opens her eyes and blushes and kisses Tommy once more. And for a short moment they stare into each others eyes She raises their hands to her mouth and kisses his wedding ring."Good morning Mr Washington." she whispers, placing another sweet kiss upon Tommy's lips. "Good morning Mrs Washington." He replies. followed by another kiss.

       They are the perfect couple, inseparable from the day they met almost three years ago in that courthouse. They were the same, same life goals, same ambition, completely submissive and loyal to one another, and shared the same top of the food chain mentality. A successful power couple in their community as well as a vicious blood thirsty duo that controlled the streets. At first glance, they appeared to be a normal suburban couple, But to those who really knew them, knew they were something far worst. Demetria was a short middle aged Hispanic woman with jet black hair and a porn star body. It was rumored that she won many cases off her beauty alone. She was a well renowned public defender, and a tyrant. An ex MMA fighter with an IQ of 127, She was a borderline genius

       Tommy was also in his mid 30s, 6 foot 7 and built like a tank, with dark brown hair. He was an Adonis. He ran his family established construction company and controlled all of the meth in the city with an iron fist. He was once an arena football player, but his love for Demetria pulled him into a more lucrative lifestyle and he gave up on the league just months after they met.

       Together they had cops as well as judges on their payroll, combined with their perfect record and influence they where unstoppable. No one could come between them, and those who tried quickly found themselves either in jail or buried. They treated each other as equals, and always maintained a professional demeanor. They lived a lavish but secretive life just outside of Atlanta. To them, everything is planned and well executed, even their marriage, they planned this trip to Las vegas over a year ago. Carefully targeting their next mark, while planning to elope the day before their last robbery.

        "So that's it right? We're done?" He says as he holds her hands tight. "Yes my love, we're done." She replies. "So now we can work on having kids, right? He says pushing her back onto the bed and kissing her neck. She breathes heavy, pauses, then hugs him very tightly. He breaks her hold with a confused look in his eyes, She sighs and says "Yes my love, now we can try to have kids. I still think we should adopt. I don't want to go through what I been through so many times before we met." "C'mon babe, can we at least try once? Please, I really want to have a child with you. I want them sexy genes to mix with mine, let's make a monster. And if you miscarry, I'll never ask again. try for me, just once, maybe things will be different this time."

       She looks him deep into his eyes and strokes the sides of his chiseled face and takes a deep breath. She loved him more than life itself and wished she could give him the one thing he's been asking for since the day they met. " OK my love, we can try." Then she pulls him close and knocks the tray of breakfast off the bed. Then they make love all morning long. That afternoon they shopped and showed each other passion and affection. They were in love and everyone they passed felt it. They enjoyed each others company every day all day and ended their wonderful day with dinner and making love.

       The next morning they checked out the hotel, loaded up into their Aston martin coupe and drove across the country back home to Georgia.




*This song is the emotional attachment to this except
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_rYiknI5q8

     

       Being the only child may have been the culprit, but being different was the defining point. Being the only child didn't make me selfish, it made me social, and it made me hate to be alone. But being different made me stand out, a target of criticism, and a pariah. So I held on tight to things that I've gained, people who I felt close to, titles and material objects. And over these long 40 years I've always had a problem with letting things go. That problem almost ruined my life. I held on to things as if they were irreplaceable, and the thought of losing them left a deep pain or emptiness in my chest that would last so long it would effect my daily train of thought. I held on to friends even when they clearly didn't have my best interest at heart.
        I would forgive people over and over again until either they put me in a terrible situation or blatantly fucked me over. I let people in the army dictate my future, I let wives and girl friends get away with murder, I let friends and associates use me until I just couldn't take no more. I have hoarded, video game systems, clothes, rims, and old music I've written for almost 20 years. I speak of memories of high school, people I know and knew, my family history, military accomplishments and titles I've earned in martial arts as if they define my future. Not being able to let these go, and suddenly losing them all without choice is what sent me to thoughts of suicide. I had to learn to let go.  I use to cringe at the thought of people talking about me behind me back or not to be accepted. So I became an enabler, an over-giver, just to be liked by everyone at all times.
       The last Four years of my life forced me to learn to let things go. I lost everything, love, money, rank, material possessions, and almost all of my respect. I lost my grandmother as soon as I got to this duty station and lost my grandfather two months ago, four months before I retire. My next 40 years will be different. It may have took me longer than others to learn this but at least it happened before I transition into the next career, an even bigger and deadlier environment... the entertainment industry as a civilian. I have already come close to going back to holding on to shit with the artist and friends I met in this game. And I almost let them do me as those others have done and it is that, which brings me to this moment of finally learning to let go.
       So yes, today I finally learned to let things go and clean house. Literally and figuratively. I've been throwing old shit away all day. Rims, clothes, Nintendo and Sega game systems and wires. I also cleaned my mind and rid myself of that hurt feeling I used to get when people don't like me or talk behind my back. "Never stop moving" is what rick said and it resonated with me ever since. If I hold on to to much shit, eventually it will weigh me down to the point where I won't be able to move. No more will I hold on to people, or even old grudges. If they don't like me.. fuck em'!  I'm on my way up and god has carved that path. I won't change though, I will forever remain a giver. I just have to chose to whom and to what I give to wisely.
       No more will I care who likes my work, ideas, accomplishments and drawbacks because most of the time, the ones talking or hating is just jealous and they point out your deficiencies to make them feel better about themselves. The one thing I do know is; when people see you doing something they always wanted to do, one or two things will happen. one;  they will finally get off there asses, say fuck it and try to do it too. Or two; they gonna start to hate. So in the end, letting go is the best approach to everything. Things won't weigh you down, and it leaves space for new things to come into your life. But most of all... nothing lasts forever, not even life....so why hold on to old shit.

This track is my emotional attachment to this post
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5hf86_hIBk

Chapter 1 part 3
Facing demons





                 

A text notification startles Gerald. He drops his icepack and reaches for his phone.

From T
(Yo, You good?)
Gerald thinks for a moment then replies
(Yeah. I'm straight)
(Did Crissie get home yet?)
(Nah. She's on her way though.)
(Damn my dude, you figured out what you gonna tell her?)
Gerald pauses again. He wasn't in the mood to talk, He just wanted to think to himself and get past this horrible day.
(I'ma tell her some bullshit. I got it.)
(Ok, cool.....You got it. Did you email Nikko the flicks yet?)
(Hell yeah, them shits gone and off my hard drive!)
(Good, Good. We gonna get that nigga! There's no way he walking away like that!)

         Gerald lays the phone down and leans his head back. The last thing he wanted to think about was seeing Dominic or Phiiah anytime soon.

(Yeah.....Yeah we gonna get him.)
(Nikko got 2 broken ribs! We gotta get this nigga! But we gotta be smart. That bitch text you yet? What you think going down on her side?)

         Gerald pauses again, then looks at the dozens of text messages and missed calls from Phiiah shaking his head.

(Shit...I don't know, but I'm in that bitch head, so I'm not sweating it. Honestly...I really don't wanna talk about that shit right now T, I need to get my mind right.)
(I-ight family, let me know if you need anything. Later.)
(Later.)


             About 20 minutes later Gerald heard keys at the door. He took a deep breath and leaned up, then re-applied the ice pack to the half inch cut under his eye. He didn't really know what to tell her once she saw the wound. He just hoped what ever he decided to tell her was good enough to smooth her over. He really wasn't in the condition to argue all night.

"Well I don't need help with these bags!" She says sarcastically as she goes into the kitchen without taking a good look at Gerald.

"My bad Babe, you got it, or are there more?" He drably responds.
"Yeah, I got it. How was your day? Damn...I don't get a kiss, or a hug? What's up with you tonight?"
She asks from across the kitchen as she puts the groceries away, still not noticing him. He sighs again, not knowing what to say, then slightly mumbles something. She stopped and turned to look at him and knew something was wrong by the dimness in the room, the tone of his voice and the way he greeted her. It wasn't the norm, so she put down what was in her hand and walked out into their living room to see what was wrong with him.

"Oh my god! What happened to your face?" She said kneeling down in front of him, looking at the stitches.
"I got into a fight at the gym over some bullshit"
"What bullshit, What happened now?"

               He sighs again and pauses, breaking eye contact. Shame was written all over his face and she saw it. So she draws back to look him in the eyes. She already had an idea of what the reason was. But she wasn't fully convinced.

"Well...?" She demands

                He removes the ice pack and leans back, then takes a long moment looking in her eyes, thinking of a way to explain the situation to her. Finally he just accepts his final explanation and lets her have it.

"I got into it with some dude at the gym. I was standing outside the locker room and some chic approached me and asked me if I liked the flavor of smoothie I had just bought and the conversation went from there. We was talking for less than five minutes and this dude, I guess was her man or husband or whatever...just started wilding out and before I knew It... we was fighting. He snuck me and caught me in the eye and I didn't even know what was going on. Then Nikko and them came out the bathroom and we started tussling."

                 Crissie looked at Gerald with a look of disbelief but concerned. She wanted to hear more details because it didn't make since.

"So...she and her husband was in the gym working out and she decided to just come talk to you? Do you know her?"

"I...um..I saw her in the gym before... but I don't know her, know her. Like, this was our first encounter on a conversation level."

"That don't make no since Gerald. This man had to be infuriated to try to hurt you like this. Did you call the police? He assaulted you in public for no reason! Did anyone call the police? What happened once Nikko and them stepped in?"

             Her questions was coming too fast. He had to maintain himself. But he couldn't find the right words to say so he just shook his head and shoulders as if he didn't know why this man attacked him, like it all was a blur to him. all he could say was " He broke Nikko ribs..This nigga was crazy on some jealous rage shit. I don't know. He might have been on something. Steroids or some shit! This nigga was buggin' for nothing"

"Whaaat! He broke Nikko ribs!" she says with a look of confusion then asks again if anyone had called the police or made a report.

"Nah, it happened to fast, and by the time we could really get at this nigga, he dipped off into the crowd. Then the medics showed up and we went to the hospital."

Crissie was completely with drawn from Gerald now. He didn't really want to make eye contact with her either. She knew he was lying, she knew it was more to the story. She just looked at him as he further explained his lie until a tear fell from her eyes and he stopped talking.

"What babe, whats wrong? He says trying to hold a look of certainty. But she just put her head down and cried harder. when he went to touch her she pushed his hand away. He couldn't find anything else to say. He just stared at her, kneeling on the floor between his legs crying and shaking her head.

"Tell me the truth Gerald. Tell me why this man attacked you for talking to his wife or girlfriend at a public gym and no one filed a police report. You think I'm stupid!" Then she slaps his advancing arms away from her and gives him a look to warn him not to touch her. He takes a deep breath then looks at her again, preparing to conjure up another lie but realizing the jig is up. She wasn't trying to hear no more bullshit.

                       Across town things were even worst at Phiiah's and Dominic's house. The baby was crying and the house was torn up. They had been arguing since the incident. well he was arguing, she wasn't paying him much mind. All she cared about was packing her things and going to a hotel for the night. Dominic was on fire at the fact that she never answered any of his questions, she just came home and started packing. That only made him madder. He was in a state of violence and heartbreak, he knew she had been fucking Gerald, but she didn't admit it. She only demeaned Dominic and blamed him for the entire situation. Saying he acted like a lunatic and should be jailed for his actions. She walked around the house with ease of mind while Dominic followed behind her every step, demanding answers. Finally she received a text from Gerald, and she walked outside and sat in the car to check it.

(Everything good? Can we meet to talk?)
She smiled and replied with
(Sure, I'm about to get a hotel room because this nigga is trippen. We can meet there if you want.)
(Yeah... sure. Um...what hotel?)
(The hyatt, I'll be there in about 30 minutes. Ill text you the room.)
(Shit...Um...ok..cool. wassup what your nigga though?)
(Fuck that nigga, me and him done. He just don't know it yet! We will talk about all that later.)
(But he not gonna follow you or nothing is he?)
(Nah, this nigga in here crying and breaking shit. I didnt admit to shit! I just told him I need to give him some space to get his mind right. I feel threatened by him and I need some space.)
(Yeah..ok. I hope so, because Ima blast this nigga next time!)
(Do what you do.. shit. Defend yourself, He's the one out here acting the fool.)
(I-Ight... well, I'll see you in a few then.)
(Ok. I'll talk to later.)

                         Phiiah starts her car then goes back into the house to grab a bag and Savannah. As she walks out Dominic walks out into the driveway and says
"Damn, you just gonna take Savannah without letting me even give my baby a kiss!" staring at Phiiah with hatred eyes. He calls Savannah over and gives her a hug. She's lost and confused, the tears had dried up on her face by now but she was still hurting. Dominic gave her a long hug followed by a long kiss on the cheek.
"Daddy loves you ok Vannah...gimme kiss."
"Oh my god Dominic, don't get all melodramatic and try to make me feel all guilty with the baby! Savannah, give your daddy a kiss so we can go, it anit like your not gonna see her again Dom! So stop it with all the theatrics!"
Savannah leans in and kisses Dominic. "I love you." he tells her. "I love you too daddy." she says in her own way. then Phiiah grabs her and put her in her carseat.

"Bye Dominic, get your shit together and maybe....we will talk!"
He doesn't even acknowledge her, he simply turns and walks back into the house.
"Fine! Fuck you then!" She shouts then gets in her car and speeds off.


                     45 minutes later Phiiah had unpacked her things and settled into her suite comfortably. She had already put savannah to bed in the other room and took a shower. She was ready for him. Her black silk robe masked her black lace thong and corset and her make-up was soft and tantalizing. She was wet, anxious to wrap her legs around Gerald. She had been thinking about it all day. She checked her phone every few minutes and finally, she received a text message from him.

(Hey. I'm parked by your car)
(Come up, I'm in room 217)
(Nah, Come down real quick)
(??? Why? Come upstairs)
(Come down real quick, I'll come up later once shit die down. I just wanna talk to you for a moment)
(Tack stop playing. Savannah is laying down about to fall asleep. Can you please come up?)
(I will, but I wanna wait a few. I just wanna talk to you right now.)
(You don't have anything to worry about. Dominic don't even know where I'm at)
(I anit worried about that nigga! Just come down please.)
(Ok, baby. what ever you say. I'll be down in a few. meet me at my car because I'm not leaving Savannah up here by herself.)
(Ok, that's fine)

                      She took off her robe and through some sweats on over her lingerie and carried Savannah out to her car and put her into her car seat. Gerald was already parked by her car and helped her get the baby situated then took a seat on the passenger side.

"Hey sexy!" She says leaning over and greeting him with a kiss. But he was ashamed of his eye and he greeted her back but he wasn't himself. She places her hands on his cheeks to hold his face still then she gently kisses his wound.
"You ok? She asks
"Yeah, I'm good"
"So what's up, why you couldn't come up? whats wrong?
He pauses again then shakes his head and breathes deeply as he avoids eye contact.
"Tack... whats wrong?"
He breaths deep again and stares out the window. Then he turns to her and says
"Look.... This shit got way out of control. My wife is involved and I can't have that. So we gotta chill."
                   Phiiah was speechless. With a confused look on her face she looked him deep in his eyes followed by an attempt to see if he was serious. So she asked

"So that's it? Tack stop playing." She laughed and leaned in to kiss him. But he wasn't laughing. He wasn't even looking at her. He pulled away and continued to stare out the window.

                   Phiiah paused and thought of something to say...or something to do. Her world was crashing around her and she was going into panic mode. She decides to seduce him by showing him what she was wearing. She pulls off her sweat shirt and wiggles around the steering wheel out of her sweat pants

"Look baby, see...I got all sexy for you. Can we go upstairs and finish talking."
He took one look at her and closed his eyes. "Stop...Don't do this."

             She drew in closer. close enough for him to feel her breath on his neck "Stop what, I'm not doing anything." She says as she places a kiss below his ear. Followed by a series of seductive soft kisses across his neck and up to his chin. He breathes heavy, then grabs her by her hair and says.

"You gonna make me fuck you in this car in front of your child huh? He rips open her corset and grips her exposed breast. "Huh? is that what you want!" He whispers in her ear. She bends to his will. letting out a submissive purr. She had him where she wanted him.

         Unexpectedly...the passenger side window shatters and Dominic lands a savage blow onto Gerald's face, tearing the stitches open again and splattering blood onto Phiiah's face. The magazine of the Walther p99 40 caliber pistol split the wound open and extended the tear on multiple sides. Phiiah could barely see what was going on, the blood had blurred her vision. She panicked and started the car.

"Pull off! Pull off!" Gerald shouted while he tried to block some of the head cracking blows coming from the extremely volatile man gripping his shirt through the car window. Phiiah was traumatized, Savannah was screaming at the top of her lungs and Gerald was fighting for his life. So she put the car in reverse and pulled off frantically.

                  Dominic wouldn't let go, he held on swinging at full power, striking Gerald with the butt of the gun until his face erupted in a pool of blood. Phiiah put the transmission in drive and peeled out and Dominic lost his grip and tumbled over. He quickly sprung to his feet and jumped into his car. He wasn't finished, He was going to kill him. Phiiah maneuvered through the hotel parking lot, desperately trying to get out into the street before Dominic could get situated. But Dominic had been sitting there watching them close and left his car running. He was on her tail before she could leave the hotel grounds.

"OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD GERALD, ARE YOU OK?" She screamed trying to clear some of the blood from his face
"DRIVE BITCH, DRIVE! RUN THIS LIGHT! GET US THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" He yelled back, holding his face with both hands. The blood was coming through his fingers like a faucet. He could barely speak clearly, His jaw bone was shattered, and he bit his tongue.

                  Phiiah pulled around the car in front of her and sped onto the side road. Dominic was right behind her, waving his pistol out the window and shouting. She sped up, flowing through traffic and dodging other vehicles. She had tunnel vision, her emotions was taking over, between the baby screaming, and Gerald leaking uncontrollably out his face, and the father of her child chasing her across the city sent her mind on a roller coaster. She was having a slight panic attack. She couldn't think, it was all happening too fast. Blood was everywhere and she was caught half naked with her baby in the back seat. The embarrassment was overwhelming. Her heart rate accelerated as she whipped across boulevards and down side streets.

         It all happened in slow motion. Another vehicle was coming across the bridge. A woman driver who was also having a moment in her life was franticly texting and not paying attention. Phiiah tried to swerve around the car in front of her to put some distance between her and Dominic when they crossed paths. She wasn't in the right state of mind to attempt this feat, and before she realized it, she didn't have time to correct her mistake. It sounded like two cars fell off of the sears tower and hit the ground at the same time. It was almost harmonic, perfect enough to say it was fate.....a head on collision at 65 miles per hour.... followed by a five car pile up.

To be continued....


This song is the emotional link to this entry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGeIWtDXFmI

Chapter 1. Part 2.
Intuitions
                                                                                                             

           

                                    It became routine, Phiiah would get off work at 1 pm and was at the gym by 4 pm every Monday Wednesday, Friday and would return home around 7-730ish. Saturday mornings she would be at the gym by noon and home by 4 pm. Dominic worked during school hours and normally got home from work around 5pm everyday with the weekends off. When the two of them were at home together, most of their time was spent in separate rooms. She was in their bedroom watching her favorite shows and he was in his office working on something or writing music.

                                    Phiiah was spending more and more time sneaking off with Gerald as the weeks passed by. Most of the time they snuck off to their secret rendezvous spot in the woods and fucked for and hour or so. Once or twice the went on a date out of town just to be able to go out publicly and be comfortable together but it always ended in sex. Hard and passionate sex. They was fucking three or four times a week, and as the days went by and the arguments went on between Phiiah and Dominic, the more sex they had. Sometimes she would say she was going to the store and would meet up with Gerald right up the street or just call him and talk. And he was always available, willing to be a shoulder for her to cry on or to lay pipe at her will.  He gave her 100% every time, even if it was just for 10 minutes. He gave it to her the way she wanted it, and in return she became submissive to his desires and she went out her way to please him.

                                   She was doing things for him that she never done for her husband or at least in a very long time. At the drop of a dime she would drop to her knees and suck his dick as soon as they where alone, or if he even looked like he was stressed or upset, she was swallowing his cum or being filled with it. She wanted Gerald to know she was his. During their conversations she would highlight how she does things for him that she doesn't do for her husband just to let him know how much she was into him. They would laugh and talk for hours about their relationship problems. All the while growing more and more fond of each other. When Phiiah was at home, she gave Dominic just enough attention to keep him from carrying on an argument everyday, or leaving her, or at least until she could figure out if she was going to leave him.

                                  When she made love to Dominic, which was only to shut him up from constantly pursuing her, she only wanted physical gratification. There was no emotion involved. She didn't kiss him during sex anymore. The only time they kissed was when one of them was leaving out the house and that was just a common peck to sustain the norms of their household. She barely talked during sex or even made a sound unless she was getting head or cumming. Most of the time during sex she was always either uncomfortable, agitated, tired , not in the mood or in a few cases, even sleeping in the middle of the encounter. She showed no emotion or attraction to Dominic as a woman in love would do normally. But when he would try to address these issues, it would turn into an argument and he'd wind up not getting anything from her at all for weeks, So he just decided to take what he can get. Even if it was degrading to his self respect.

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                                                                     Journal entry 2
                                                               September 22nd 2017

                       Every day that passes, it becomes more and more obvious that Phiiah doesn't give a fuck about me. She has no fear of losing me what so ever. I told her two days ago I wanted to sit down and have a conversation about our relationship. It's crazy I have to make an appointment to talk but if I don't then I will just be sitting here with shit on my mind and no chance to express myself. Then It builds up and I explode and the whole relationship is worst for the next few days or so. Plus she won't even ask me whats wrong so either way I'm gonna end up in a begging position again. This is it, this is the last time I ask and if she ignores me one more day I'm letting her go for good!

                       I think that's what she wants anyway. She wants it to be my decision to leave that way she holds no fault and she can play the victim. It makes me wonder how much does care about me totally; Does she even care if I die? Is she so far gone that my health and life is now meaningless, because she acts like I'm not shit to her everyday. I know she can see the emotion in my eyes everyday. I know she can tell when I'm upset, horny or just need to get something off my chest but she ignores it completely. Sometimes she even smiles like nothing is wrong, like she's taunting me to explode so she can have a reason to treat me worst. I don't even know who to be mad at anymore; Her or me. Her for not just telling me she wants out and she doesn't love me or me for allowing this blatant shit to go on for so long.

                      I gotta get my shit together either way. I have to stop letting her make me feel like this everyday while she walks around nonchalantly and I'm sitting here looking like a fool everyday. I have no choice, I'm losing, I'm letting myself slip away everyday because of unhappiness and every night I'm awake all night working, thinking and looking at porn until I finally fall asleep. Then I wake up feeling like shit and barely wanting to go to work. This shit is tearing me apart!

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                                       While Dom was in the kitchen, Phiiah walks in only wearing a bra and a thong as she does most of the time when she's home. Smelling like candy and looking sexy as always but acting as if Dom wasn't staring. He tries hard not to look at her because she excites him but he knows she's not interested and it's only going to agitate him for the rest of the day. But he can't help himself. The way her thong wrapped around her wide hips and her smooth stomach turned him on. Within a moment he grew angry. To know that this was supposed to be his woman and how beautiful she was and how much he was attracted to her made him think of how their relationship was going.

                                       Finally after the two of them being in the same room for about two minutes with no words uttered she looks over at Dominic and noticed he had an attitude. She only smiled and continued to dress the sandwiches she made for her and Savannah. Dominic takes a frustrated breath, he knows that she knows he noticed how she looks, yet she acts as if he's not even in the room. Then his emotions gain the best of him and he loses it. He throws his glass across the room and it shatters on the wall and breaks the silence.

"You just don't give a fuck anymore huh? It's funny to you to see me like this everyday isn't it? You see me in pain or feeling some kind of way yet you ignore me. Like I anit shit! Why are you still with me Phi?"

She rolls her eyes
"Aw c'mon, don't start ok! I really don't feel like that shit today."

"Start, what the fuck you mean start! This shit has been going on for years and I been trying to talk to you but we never get anywhere. This shit isn't new, So how am I starting? Shit, I'm trying to continue!"

"Continue what...More drama!"

"You know exactly what I'm trying to continue, I asked you days ago to sit down and have a civil conversation with me but once again you just blew me off. I want to at least address one of the many problems we are having everyday like fucking adults. Or maybe continue any one of the conversations I started this week with you about the way you act every damn day. That you seem to just ignore and like I never said shit. Why do you make me go days with shit on my chest and if I don't press you on it, you would never say shit about it. So I ask you again...why are you still with me?"

"Because I love you Dom, because we have a beautiful little girl. Because you treat me good...." she says monotoned as if it was rehearsed.

Dominic just looks at her angry and confused, shaking his head.
"And......? That's it right? That's all! You didn't say shit about how I make you feel or... how great I am at.. whatever. You don't think I have worth, you can't even make me feel special when your trying so hard to explain to me why you love me! This shit is becoming more and more obvious Phiiah!"

"What's becoming obvious?" She says with a confused expression.

"That either you don't know how to love.... or you just don't love me! And I just can't figure out why you just won't keep it 100 and just say it! Just tell me you don't love me, instead of making me spend countless hours on trying to figure out what else it could be! It's like your fucking with me, playing with my intelligence."

                                      She just stands there with an empty emotionless face as he talks. Daydreaming about the stress less moments of explosive passion she been having over the past two weeks. Though she maintains eye contact, She could really careless about what he is saying. He notices it and stops talking to take a moment to analyze her face. Then says "Are you even listening to me? Do you hear what the fuck I'm saying to you? Do you even fucking care?"

"Yes, I hear you Dominic."

"So say something then! Something reassuring...shit! Make me feel like you want me! At least show some fear of losing me and make up some shit!"

"Something like what?"

"What the fuck you mean? Did you not hear anything I just said or anything I been saying for months...years? Say something, don't just sit there and look at me. Why do you do that? Why do you watch me pour my heart out or try to express myself as clear as I possibly can to you and then you just sit there and look at me like your lost, or have no idea what I'm talking about? I need you to communicate back! At least act like you give a fuck about losing me!"

                                       She sighs then pauses, then sighs again. Dominic is silent, looking at her and waiting for a response. She mumbles, looking for something to say and shakes her head as she searches. He waits, looking at her with a look of sarcasm then says
"Well? Humph.....just like I thought. You can't even make up something to say. You know what...fuck it! Fuck it! I get it, I fucking get it!"

                                       She throws her arms in the air, turns to walk away and says.
"Why does it always have to be about you Dom. It's always gotta be all about how Dominic feels. pfft! Whatever...fine! are you done?"

                                       Dominic watches her shake her ass as she walks away carefree. The fact that he loves her so much and she looks so tempting, makes him feel that pain. A pain he knew all so well. It was the very pain that has been growing inside his heart over the past few years. She was so beautiful and he knew he has tried everything he could to tell her how he feels, yet she acts as if his feelings mean nothing to her. But she claims that she loves him and has never cheated. Pain created from years of stress, and confusion.  beautiful memories, career changing sacrifices, emotional and sexual frustration rolled up into a heart wrenching feeling. It was a pain like no other. It was in that moment he knew what he had to do and what he needed to do it. Then he said "Humph...yeah. Yeah I'm done."

                                      The next day after thinking about their situation over and over as usual, Dominic decides to change the environment and try a different approach. After work, he stops at the store to pickup groceries and ingredients to cook a nice dinner and then the florist to pick up some roses. After he was done shopping and back inside his car he sees a note on his windshield. Thinking it was a note left by someone who might have damaged his car and containing insurance information he quickly grabs it and reads it.


                                It simply read "You might want to go to the gym with your wife sometime" And it made Dominic feel some type of way. He looked around to see who could have possibly left the letter but the parking lot was almost empty other than a few moving vehicles. He read the letter again then took a deep breath followed with feelings of fear and confusion. After sitting in his car thinking about it all, Dominic decided to go to the gym and checking on Phiiah instead of going home. He wanted to see what the fuck this letter could have been referring to and was it a joke of some sort. His heart rate was speeding and within moments... so was he. He needed to get control before he got pulled over or had an accident but he couldn't clear his mind.

                             So many situation playing out in his head as he sped to the gym. So many mixed emotions flooding his mind and sending him on a roller coaster, He hoped the things he was thinking weren't true. But deep down inside, he wanted answers. Answers to the dozens of questions he had, but most of all, he wanted closure because he knew he wasn't crazy like Phiiah tried to make him seem every time he tried to explain his feelings. He was enraged and scared at the same time. He knew something like this had to be done eventually if he wanted answers, he just wasn't ready for it at the time or really ready to deal with the discussing truth.

                           Phiiah and Gerald was on the last lap of their run when Phiiah starts to pick up the pace. He picks it up thinking he was failing behind due to fatigue but notices every time he catches up she speeds up. She was challenging him, and by the time they were a quarter into their last lap they found themselves in a full out sprint. Both of them pushing to beat the other, muscles tensing and sweat dripping as they came into the last turn. They were neck and neck when Phiiah caught her second wind and started to gain distance. Gerald was almost out of steam trying to keep pace and by the time he crossed the finish line she beat him by three full seconds.

"What happened young man? all that heavy lifting and no cardio got your heart weak!"

He looks up at her then begins to walk a lap to catch his breath
"Nah...you got me weak."
"Whatever, nice excuse. You got beat, fair and square."
"It's cool, were gonna see who gets beat in about an hour!"
"Oh really!" she smiles
"Yeah, really!" he smiles.

                           Together they walked a lap to cool down and talk as usual. They have been seeing each other for weeks and this was part of their normal routine. As they exit the track, they head to grab a smoothie before they hit the shower. They finish their drinks by the looker room doors talking and laughing. That run had their hormones on high so sexual innuendos filled their conversation. They laughed and flirted like a couple in love. They were comfortable with each other and the gym became their sanctuary. No worries, no stress and no fear,  until she noticed Dominic was watching them from the lobby and heading their way at a high rate of speed.

                           Phiiah quickly regains her composure and tries to signal Gerald, letting him know they might have been busted. Gerald notices her face and turns to see what had her attention so strongly behind him. When he sees a familiar face from a picture she had shown him, he already knew what was about to go down. He just didn't didn't know how far it would go so he also regained his self awareness and put a little distance between himself and Phiiah. But Phiiah was smart and she knew her man. all she needed to do was wait for him to talk and she could calculate how long he was watching and what all she could argue. So she took a casual approach.

"Babe, woow. Surprised to see you here! This is my friend Gerald."
"How you doing sir?" Gerald says trying to hide his guilt and acting as if nothing wrong was done but Dominic responds with "Who the fuck are you and why are your hands all over my wife?"
Phiiah and Gerald both stand in a moment of silence then Phiiah replies with "O..K..on that note, Gerald I will see you later. Babe lets go talk in the car."
"What the fuck you mean, your gonna see him later? Y'all up here talking and flirting and shit! Is this why your so motivated to go to the gym every fucking day? Fuck that later shit! we gonna handle this shit right now!"
Gerald's face changes from a fake friendly expression to a guilty defensive one. then he smirks says
"Humph, whatever. Phiiah handle your business, I'll see you later."
Dominic twists his head and looks at Gerald sideways. Gerald sizes up the older man and danger sets in. He knows he's younger than the Dominic but he also remembers everything Phiiah had told him about Dominic and he chooses to step back rather than to engage the extremely hostile Dominic. But Dominic was fixated on Gerald, His eyes were filled with anger and focus. He was looking for a reason to get closer to Gerald and found it.
"Nigga...You betta not say shit to my wife ever again! Not a fucking word, you hear me! Let me find out,....I'll fuck you up in here!

                         Gerald stood silent until three of his friends walked out the locker room wondering what was talking him so long. His demeanor changed instantly. He had back up and a reputation to maintain.

"Bra, I tried to be cool. Now chill with all the threats. All that fucking me up shit is dead!"

                         Phiiah desperately tried to resolve the situation and get Dominic to the car but she was losing. She was scared that things were about to take a turn for the worst and she needed to end it fast. But Gerald's reaction only made Dominic want to establish his respect more. He didn't care that he was now outnumbered four to one, all he saw was one target, and that target was his only objective. Her was a smart man and he had only been standing there watching them talk for a short period. He wasn't completely sure they where sleeping around. But he was totally sure that they where flirting hard, it was very obvious. But his anger had an underlying origin, and this was his chance to find out answers so He pushed Phiiah out of the way and said

"Nigga...Don't say shit else to my wife! Nothing! Either respect that or get disrespected!" Then he waited for a response. He knew from that response he would be able to judge how far things had gone between Phiiah and him. Gerald smiled, licked his lips and look back at his friends before saying

"Nigga, you betta tell that shit to her, you don't run me! I'll do what the fuck I want to do! Now gone on before I hurt your feelings!"

 Once again Dominic twists his head. "Hurt my feelings?" He says sarcastically "Please do, please Hurt my feelings nigga, cuz now you gonna have too!" And he begins to close distance on Gerald, holding his hand to his ear, gesturing him to continue. But Gerald only looks at Phiiah's face once, giving her that look like shits about to hit the fan, control your man. Then Dominic sets the wheels in motion when he says

"What? Hurt my feelings you bum ass nigga!" He was drawing closer until Gerald friends step in the way trying to calm the situation down but talking shit at the same time. That's when Gerald felt the need to display dominance in front of his friends and said

"Nigga, You the one who can't keep his household in order. As sexy as your wife is... you should be worrying about making her happy instead of sneaking up on her like a stalker. But now I see why she's unhappy when she comes here, after seeing you and thinking about to what she says about you.....shit, I'd be happy to get out that house too. But I bet she's real happy when she comes home!" he says smiling with his boys chuckling behind with him and giving him dap.

         Dominic pauses for a split second to recap what he just said. His heart rate increasing as the realization of the fact that apparently this wasn't there first engagement and things must have gone a lot deeper if this nigga was checking him about what went on in his household. A split second to realize the it was possible that this nigga had been trying to fuck his wife or had been fucking his wife. A split second to think about all the nights she came home and went straight to bed, all the days he spent masturbating in frustration and couldn't sleep because the woman he loved was always on his mind. His muscles were now fully tensed...and in that split second.... he reacted.

                                 The thoughts sent him into a jealous rage and he attacked. He lashed out and released all of his repressed anger on Gerald. The first blow struck Gerald so fast no one had time to react. Dominic punched Gerald square in the nose and Phiiah could only sit with her hands over her mouth in fear and watch as a full out brawl erupted right there in the gym hallway. She could only imagine what was next to come.


     


This Song is the emotional link to this post.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KcdZZnBfRA&index=33&list=PLKnBr1WV4KS30xfSPlesjngbjJneFtVQB