For the last 10 years I have been going through the worst situations with family, whether it was a divorce, children, or my bloodline (as in my parents, aunts and uncles), it has always been a painful struggle for me. But now I'm presented with two major situations dealing with family, that can either make me or break me forever. What makes it even more severe is the fact that it's still inter-connected to the rest of my family issues and will determine future outcomes in those areas. deep down inside I truly know what needs to be done, It's my unhappiness that I fear will be at stake.
I am a giver, and my whole life I spent giving more than I received, and because of that, I lost out on a lot in life; Money, position, friends, respect, and a lot of material objects. But when I almost lost my career and my life back in 2013, I realized that majority of the population in this world are selfish, capitalizing, unethical people and it was I who needed to change. I was passive aggressive, and for the way I was built, and the life that I was born into, passive aggressive was not the proper stance for me. Now that I am at the "put your money where your mouth is" stage of my career, I am once again being tested. This one hurts and I can't wait for it to be over. I have to help my mom, I have to fight to see my children, I have to present a successful book launch, I have to be a full time leader, role model, Chef and manager at work, and I have to ensure my catering business flourishes.
How much do I sacrifice to do what I feel is right? Do I give it all up? Am I looking at sacrifices from the wrong perspective to begin with and not appreciating them as future blessings? Is my PTSD and Emotional side misguiding me? These are questions that are floating in my head all day long when I considered the paths I chose to deal with my family issues. But time has run out and the real war is right in front of me advancing, forcing me to chose now.
I love my mother, I am the only child and she is the reason I am who I am today. I love my uncles and aunts, they are the reason I think the way I do. I love my children, They are a gift from god. But now I must fight. I must fight to have rights to my children. I must fight and find a way to get my mother out of the life treating situation she is in. I must go against whatever natural emotion I have to just focus on myself (at least until I get more stable) then fight the war with more resources. I have to fully engage this war right now!
How much am I willing to sacrifice? My first book is due to hit the market October 2nd 2019. I know that if I don't advertise correctly, I will lose out, and to do this it takes resources. If I put my current resources into past or current obligations, I can slowly increase my monthly income. But If I wait too long to engage my family issues, what impacts could that have on my future? will my children not respect me, or not understand the situation fully? Because at this point, If I pull my retainers and suspend my actions to gain lawful rights over them, It will take even longer to be a parent to them.
My mother must move to North Carolina with me. It's sad because of the way it all played out. My family made a very bad decision with the property my grandparents left them. a property that has a value to change 10 peoples lives. Lack of communication, disarray due to family deaths, and pure and unadulterated selfishness has left us all in denial. It has also put my mother in a very terrible situation that only I can fix, and it has to be fixed right now. How will this affect my life, my marriage, my current war?
God has a plan for me, I just know it, I just don't know what it is yet. What I do know is it is coming to a head. It is happening right now and it is applying pressure, anxiety, fear and good fortune all at the same time. It also has me on high alert, overthinking and constant planning, which all leads back to the same question.....
Am I being selfish or selfless?
Funny use of words ...
sell fish - I can take a life to survive
sell flesh - I can use my life to help others survive
No comments:
Post a Comment