Chapter 1. Part 2.
Intuitions
                                                                                                             

           

                                    It became routine, Phiiah would get off work at 1 pm and was at the gym by 4 pm every Monday Wednesday, Friday and would return home around 7-730ish. Saturday mornings she would be at the gym by noon and home by 4 pm. Dominic worked during school hours and normally got home from work around 5pm everyday with the weekends off. When the two of them were at home together, most of their time was spent in separate rooms. She was in their bedroom watching her favorite shows and he was in his office working on something or writing music.

                                    Phiiah was spending more and more time sneaking off with Gerald as the weeks passed by. Most of the time they snuck off to their secret rendezvous spot in the woods and fucked for and hour or so. Once or twice the went on a date out of town just to be able to go out publicly and be comfortable together but it always ended in sex. Hard and passionate sex. They was fucking three or four times a week, and as the days went by and the arguments went on between Phiiah and Dominic, the more sex they had. Sometimes she would say she was going to the store and would meet up with Gerald right up the street or just call him and talk. And he was always available, willing to be a shoulder for her to cry on or to lay pipe at her will.  He gave her 100% every time, even if it was just for 10 minutes. He gave it to her the way she wanted it, and in return she became submissive to his desires and she went out her way to please him.

                                   She was doing things for him that she never done for her husband or at least in a very long time. At the drop of a dime she would drop to her knees and suck his dick as soon as they where alone, or if he even looked like he was stressed or upset, she was swallowing his cum or being filled with it. She wanted Gerald to know she was his. During their conversations she would highlight how she does things for him that she doesn't do for her husband just to let him know how much she was into him. They would laugh and talk for hours about their relationship problems. All the while growing more and more fond of each other. When Phiiah was at home, she gave Dominic just enough attention to keep him from carrying on an argument everyday, or leaving her, or at least until she could figure out if she was going to leave him.

                                  When she made love to Dominic, which was only to shut him up from constantly pursuing her, she only wanted physical gratification. There was no emotion involved. She didn't kiss him during sex anymore. The only time they kissed was when one of them was leaving out the house and that was just a common peck to sustain the norms of their household. She barely talked during sex or even made a sound unless she was getting head or cumming. Most of the time during sex she was always either uncomfortable, agitated, tired , not in the mood or in a few cases, even sleeping in the middle of the encounter. She showed no emotion or attraction to Dominic as a woman in love would do normally. But when he would try to address these issues, it would turn into an argument and he'd wind up not getting anything from her at all for weeks, So he just decided to take what he can get. Even if it was degrading to his self respect.

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                                                                     Journal entry 2
                                                               September 22nd 2017

                       Every day that passes, it becomes more and more obvious that Phiiah doesn't give a fuck about me. She has no fear of losing me what so ever. I told her two days ago I wanted to sit down and have a conversation about our relationship. It's crazy I have to make an appointment to talk but if I don't then I will just be sitting here with shit on my mind and no chance to express myself. Then It builds up and I explode and the whole relationship is worst for the next few days or so. Plus she won't even ask me whats wrong so either way I'm gonna end up in a begging position again. This is it, this is the last time I ask and if she ignores me one more day I'm letting her go for good!

                       I think that's what she wants anyway. She wants it to be my decision to leave that way she holds no fault and she can play the victim. It makes me wonder how much does care about me totally; Does she even care if I die? Is she so far gone that my health and life is now meaningless, because she acts like I'm not shit to her everyday. I know she can see the emotion in my eyes everyday. I know she can tell when I'm upset, horny or just need to get something off my chest but she ignores it completely. Sometimes she even smiles like nothing is wrong, like she's taunting me to explode so she can have a reason to treat me worst. I don't even know who to be mad at anymore; Her or me. Her for not just telling me she wants out and she doesn't love me or me for allowing this blatant shit to go on for so long.

                      I gotta get my shit together either way. I have to stop letting her make me feel like this everyday while she walks around nonchalantly and I'm sitting here looking like a fool everyday. I have no choice, I'm losing, I'm letting myself slip away everyday because of unhappiness and every night I'm awake all night working, thinking and looking at porn until I finally fall asleep. Then I wake up feeling like shit and barely wanting to go to work. This shit is tearing me apart!

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                                       While Dom was in the kitchen, Phiiah walks in only wearing a bra and a thong as she does most of the time when she's home. Smelling like candy and looking sexy as always but acting as if Dom wasn't staring. He tries hard not to look at her because she excites him but he knows she's not interested and it's only going to agitate him for the rest of the day. But he can't help himself. The way her thong wrapped around her wide hips and her smooth stomach turned him on. Within a moment he grew angry. To know that this was supposed to be his woman and how beautiful she was and how much he was attracted to her made him think of how their relationship was going.

                                       Finally after the two of them being in the same room for about two minutes with no words uttered she looks over at Dominic and noticed he had an attitude. She only smiled and continued to dress the sandwiches she made for her and Savannah. Dominic takes a frustrated breath, he knows that she knows he noticed how she looks, yet she acts as if he's not even in the room. Then his emotions gain the best of him and he loses it. He throws his glass across the room and it shatters on the wall and breaks the silence.

"You just don't give a fuck anymore huh? It's funny to you to see me like this everyday isn't it? You see me in pain or feeling some kind of way yet you ignore me. Like I anit shit! Why are you still with me Phi?"

She rolls her eyes
"Aw c'mon, don't start ok! I really don't feel like that shit today."

"Start, what the fuck you mean start! This shit has been going on for years and I been trying to talk to you but we never get anywhere. This shit isn't new, So how am I starting? Shit, I'm trying to continue!"

"Continue what...More drama!"

"You know exactly what I'm trying to continue, I asked you days ago to sit down and have a civil conversation with me but once again you just blew me off. I want to at least address one of the many problems we are having everyday like fucking adults. Or maybe continue any one of the conversations I started this week with you about the way you act every damn day. That you seem to just ignore and like I never said shit. Why do you make me go days with shit on my chest and if I don't press you on it, you would never say shit about it. So I ask you again...why are you still with me?"

"Because I love you Dom, because we have a beautiful little girl. Because you treat me good...." she says monotoned as if it was rehearsed.

Dominic just looks at her angry and confused, shaking his head.
"And......? That's it right? That's all! You didn't say shit about how I make you feel or... how great I am at.. whatever. You don't think I have worth, you can't even make me feel special when your trying so hard to explain to me why you love me! This shit is becoming more and more obvious Phiiah!"

"What's becoming obvious?" She says with a confused expression.

"That either you don't know how to love.... or you just don't love me! And I just can't figure out why you just won't keep it 100 and just say it! Just tell me you don't love me, instead of making me spend countless hours on trying to figure out what else it could be! It's like your fucking with me, playing with my intelligence."

                                      She just stands there with an empty emotionless face as he talks. Daydreaming about the stress less moments of explosive passion she been having over the past two weeks. Though she maintains eye contact, She could really careless about what he is saying. He notices it and stops talking to take a moment to analyze her face. Then says "Are you even listening to me? Do you hear what the fuck I'm saying to you? Do you even fucking care?"

"Yes, I hear you Dominic."

"So say something then! Something reassuring...shit! Make me feel like you want me! At least show some fear of losing me and make up some shit!"

"Something like what?"

"What the fuck you mean? Did you not hear anything I just said or anything I been saying for months...years? Say something, don't just sit there and look at me. Why do you do that? Why do you watch me pour my heart out or try to express myself as clear as I possibly can to you and then you just sit there and look at me like your lost, or have no idea what I'm talking about? I need you to communicate back! At least act like you give a fuck about losing me!"

                                       She sighs then pauses, then sighs again. Dominic is silent, looking at her and waiting for a response. She mumbles, looking for something to say and shakes her head as she searches. He waits, looking at her with a look of sarcasm then says
"Well? Humph.....just like I thought. You can't even make up something to say. You know what...fuck it! Fuck it! I get it, I fucking get it!"

                                       She throws her arms in the air, turns to walk away and says.
"Why does it always have to be about you Dom. It's always gotta be all about how Dominic feels. pfft! Whatever...fine! are you done?"

                                       Dominic watches her shake her ass as she walks away carefree. The fact that he loves her so much and she looks so tempting, makes him feel that pain. A pain he knew all so well. It was the very pain that has been growing inside his heart over the past few years. She was so beautiful and he knew he has tried everything he could to tell her how he feels, yet she acts as if his feelings mean nothing to her. But she claims that she loves him and has never cheated. Pain created from years of stress, and confusion.  beautiful memories, career changing sacrifices, emotional and sexual frustration rolled up into a heart wrenching feeling. It was a pain like no other. It was in that moment he knew what he had to do and what he needed to do it. Then he said "Humph...yeah. Yeah I'm done."

                                      The next day after thinking about their situation over and over as usual, Dominic decides to change the environment and try a different approach. After work, he stops at the store to pickup groceries and ingredients to cook a nice dinner and then the florist to pick up some roses. After he was done shopping and back inside his car he sees a note on his windshield. Thinking it was a note left by someone who might have damaged his car and containing insurance information he quickly grabs it and reads it.


                                It simply read "You might want to go to the gym with your wife sometime" And it made Dominic feel some type of way. He looked around to see who could have possibly left the letter but the parking lot was almost empty other than a few moving vehicles. He read the letter again then took a deep breath followed with feelings of fear and confusion. After sitting in his car thinking about it all, Dominic decided to go to the gym and checking on Phiiah instead of going home. He wanted to see what the fuck this letter could have been referring to and was it a joke of some sort. His heart rate was speeding and within moments... so was he. He needed to get control before he got pulled over or had an accident but he couldn't clear his mind.

                             So many situation playing out in his head as he sped to the gym. So many mixed emotions flooding his mind and sending him on a roller coaster, He hoped the things he was thinking weren't true. But deep down inside, he wanted answers. Answers to the dozens of questions he had, but most of all, he wanted closure because he knew he wasn't crazy like Phiiah tried to make him seem every time he tried to explain his feelings. He was enraged and scared at the same time. He knew something like this had to be done eventually if he wanted answers, he just wasn't ready for it at the time or really ready to deal with the discussing truth.

                           Phiiah and Gerald was on the last lap of their run when Phiiah starts to pick up the pace. He picks it up thinking he was failing behind due to fatigue but notices every time he catches up she speeds up. She was challenging him, and by the time they were a quarter into their last lap they found themselves in a full out sprint. Both of them pushing to beat the other, muscles tensing and sweat dripping as they came into the last turn. They were neck and neck when Phiiah caught her second wind and started to gain distance. Gerald was almost out of steam trying to keep pace and by the time he crossed the finish line she beat him by three full seconds.

"What happened young man? all that heavy lifting and no cardio got your heart weak!"

He looks up at her then begins to walk a lap to catch his breath
"Nah...you got me weak."
"Whatever, nice excuse. You got beat, fair and square."
"It's cool, were gonna see who gets beat in about an hour!"
"Oh really!" she smiles
"Yeah, really!" he smiles.

                           Together they walked a lap to cool down and talk as usual. They have been seeing each other for weeks and this was part of their normal routine. As they exit the track, they head to grab a smoothie before they hit the shower. They finish their drinks by the looker room doors talking and laughing. That run had their hormones on high so sexual innuendos filled their conversation. They laughed and flirted like a couple in love. They were comfortable with each other and the gym became their sanctuary. No worries, no stress and no fear,  until she noticed Dominic was watching them from the lobby and heading their way at a high rate of speed.

                           Phiiah quickly regains her composure and tries to signal Gerald, letting him know they might have been busted. Gerald notices her face and turns to see what had her attention so strongly behind him. When he sees a familiar face from a picture she had shown him, he already knew what was about to go down. He just didn't didn't know how far it would go so he also regained his self awareness and put a little distance between himself and Phiiah. But Phiiah was smart and she knew her man. all she needed to do was wait for him to talk and she could calculate how long he was watching and what all she could argue. So she took a casual approach.

"Babe, woow. Surprised to see you here! This is my friend Gerald."
"How you doing sir?" Gerald says trying to hide his guilt and acting as if nothing wrong was done but Dominic responds with "Who the fuck are you and why are your hands all over my wife?"
Phiiah and Gerald both stand in a moment of silence then Phiiah replies with "O..K..on that note, Gerald I will see you later. Babe lets go talk in the car."
"What the fuck you mean, your gonna see him later? Y'all up here talking and flirting and shit! Is this why your so motivated to go to the gym every fucking day? Fuck that later shit! we gonna handle this shit right now!"
Gerald's face changes from a fake friendly expression to a guilty defensive one. then he smirks says
"Humph, whatever. Phiiah handle your business, I'll see you later."
Dominic twists his head and looks at Gerald sideways. Gerald sizes up the older man and danger sets in. He knows he's younger than the Dominic but he also remembers everything Phiiah had told him about Dominic and he chooses to step back rather than to engage the extremely hostile Dominic. But Dominic was fixated on Gerald, His eyes were filled with anger and focus. He was looking for a reason to get closer to Gerald and found it.
"Nigga...You betta not say shit to my wife ever again! Not a fucking word, you hear me! Let me find out,....I'll fuck you up in here!

                         Gerald stood silent until three of his friends walked out the locker room wondering what was talking him so long. His demeanor changed instantly. He had back up and a reputation to maintain.

"Bra, I tried to be cool. Now chill with all the threats. All that fucking me up shit is dead!"

                         Phiiah desperately tried to resolve the situation and get Dominic to the car but she was losing. She was scared that things were about to take a turn for the worst and she needed to end it fast. But Gerald's reaction only made Dominic want to establish his respect more. He didn't care that he was now outnumbered four to one, all he saw was one target, and that target was his only objective. Her was a smart man and he had only been standing there watching them talk for a short period. He wasn't completely sure they where sleeping around. But he was totally sure that they where flirting hard, it was very obvious. But his anger had an underlying origin, and this was his chance to find out answers so He pushed Phiiah out of the way and said

"Nigga...Don't say shit else to my wife! Nothing! Either respect that or get disrespected!" Then he waited for a response. He knew from that response he would be able to judge how far things had gone between Phiiah and him. Gerald smiled, licked his lips and look back at his friends before saying

"Nigga, you betta tell that shit to her, you don't run me! I'll do what the fuck I want to do! Now gone on before I hurt your feelings!"

 Once again Dominic twists his head. "Hurt my feelings?" He says sarcastically "Please do, please Hurt my feelings nigga, cuz now you gonna have too!" And he begins to close distance on Gerald, holding his hand to his ear, gesturing him to continue. But Gerald only looks at Phiiah's face once, giving her that look like shits about to hit the fan, control your man. Then Dominic sets the wheels in motion when he says

"What? Hurt my feelings you bum ass nigga!" He was drawing closer until Gerald friends step in the way trying to calm the situation down but talking shit at the same time. That's when Gerald felt the need to display dominance in front of his friends and said

"Nigga, You the one who can't keep his household in order. As sexy as your wife is... you should be worrying about making her happy instead of sneaking up on her like a stalker. But now I see why she's unhappy when she comes here, after seeing you and thinking about to what she says about you.....shit, I'd be happy to get out that house too. But I bet she's real happy when she comes home!" he says smiling with his boys chuckling behind with him and giving him dap.

         Dominic pauses for a split second to recap what he just said. His heart rate increasing as the realization of the fact that apparently this wasn't there first engagement and things must have gone a lot deeper if this nigga was checking him about what went on in his household. A split second to realize the it was possible that this nigga had been trying to fuck his wife or had been fucking his wife. A split second to think about all the nights she came home and went straight to bed, all the days he spent masturbating in frustration and couldn't sleep because the woman he loved was always on his mind. His muscles were now fully tensed...and in that split second.... he reacted.

                                 The thoughts sent him into a jealous rage and he attacked. He lashed out and released all of his repressed anger on Gerald. The first blow struck Gerald so fast no one had time to react. Dominic punched Gerald square in the nose and Phiiah could only sit with her hands over her mouth in fear and watch as a full out brawl erupted right there in the gym hallway. She could only imagine what was next to come.


     


This Song is the emotional link to this post.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KcdZZnBfRA&index=33&list=PLKnBr1WV4KS30xfSPlesjngbjJneFtVQB

Chapter 1 part 1
The perfect storm




                     
                     Phiiah knew It was wrong...she felt it in her stomach, but every time they made eye contact from across the gym it made her feel attractive, confident and seductive. This had been going on for weeks between the two of them, texting and talking on the phone here and there, but never face to face. Knowing that he was watching her while she was in Zumba, gave her a reason to make sure every move she made accentuated her curves. He could barely focus on his own workout at some points and fell into a deep trance watching her bend and bounce to the music. She was on her knees, legs spread and face downed to the floor when she turned and gave him a quick enticing glare. The look in his eyes when they made contact made her wet and she briefly closed her eyes, smiled and continued to move to the beat.

                    She was feeling great, and the pace of the class was just right. Some of that new found energy stemmed from deep in the back of her mind. Images of that young man gripping her 36 inch hips from behind darted through her mind. She smiles again and sneaks another look at him as the class ends. But he was gone, no where in sight. She shrugged it off and hit the locker room. She was the quiet type in public places and normally left people alone, although this was her normal routine she really didn't know to many of the other girls in her Friday night Zumba class other than the instructor so she didn't spend much time in the locker room. She quickly showered but she always gave her face and hair special attention.

                   She was a well refined 35 year old woman, her mother was native Brazilian and had her at the age of 17. Phiiah was five years old when her mother left her with her father. Her father was of African decent and lived Miami. She was a very beautiful, caramel colored woman with a unique figure that demanded attention. Her thighs were a bit thick for her size but they were in excellent shape. She had a very large bust, a very slim waist and stood five foot even barefoot. Her hair was black long thick and curly and her eyes was golden honey brown.

                 She walks out of the locker room and stops at smoothie bar as normal to grab a protein shake then heads for the parking lot. As she approaches her car she receives a text message and she hopes it's from him. She checks the message and smiles because it is from him.

[ I wish we could finally meet up and talk one day ]
She stops and takes a deep breath, she fears that her next action will be a regrettable one. She thinks for a moment and replies [ Are you still at the gym?]
[ I was on my way home, but I can turn around]
[Ok, turn around. I'll be in the parking lot, sitting in my car. It's a blue maxima]
[Lol, I already know what car you drive]
[Oh, really! Are you stalking me?]
[yes, for weeks now]
[ That makes me feel better. ]
[!!!  Really, why is that?]
[At-least I know I'm not the only weird one *wink*]

                 Her heart starts beating and she grows more anxious as the minutes pass by, watching to see when his black Tahoe would pull into the parking lot. About 10 minutes later he pulls in and she opens her visor to quickly apply a little make up. He pulls in next to her and rolls down his window. She steps out and he says "you wanna sit in my truck for a minute and talk?" She steps out her car gives him a little smile and walks around to his passenger side and gets in.  He gives her a hug and says "well, it's nice to finally meet you in person, It took a lot out of me just to man up and ask to meet you."
"Yea, same here. my situation is complicated"
He reaches over and turns down the radio "Complicated? How so? are you married?"
"No but I live with my child's father, just for the time being. Are you married?"
"I'm separated, we haven't lived together in almost a year now. But that explains why the texts and conversations are so short."
"Well I thought you were cute and me and him don't ever get along so I thought I might as well explore other options. Can we go somewhere else and talk. I don't want to sit out here in front of the gym."
Sure...Um where do you want to go?"
"I don't care, somewhere just not here and not to far away"
"I-ight, cool."
He starts the truck and they pull off. They talk and laugh as they drive around looking for somewhere to park and talk. Phiiah desperately tries not to stare at his smooth thick brown lips, and catches herself biting her own lip and hopes he didn't notice. Although he did notice, he just stayed a gentleman and continued the conversation as normal. They pull into a small park area across from a basketball court and park.
"so why do they call you tack if you name is Gerald?"
"It's a long fucking story. funny but I hate it"
"Oh lawd, now I gotta know. C'mon, tell me"
"Fine... I might as well get it out the way now."
He begins his story with a childhood memory of an incident where his brother would always trick him by putting a tack in his seat. One day he decided to seek revenge and get his brother back by putting a tack in his brothers chair during church and it ended very badly for the both of them. They both laughed at the tale and a connection was formed.
"So, how old are you?" She asks
"I'm 29, and you?"
"I just turned 35."
"you don't look a day over 25. you just beautiful."
She blushes and enjoys the compliment then looks down at her phone. he notices her attitude changed as she scrolls through the phone. Then she punches a few keys before she turns it off and puts it away in her bag.
"Is something wrong?, If you need to go I can take you back to your car" he says as he turns down the radio once again
She stops and looks at him and regains her train of thought. She looks him deep in his eyes, then turns to the window to think to herself for a moment.
"Hello? Is everything OK? he asks again.
She turns to him then turns the radio back up and says "nope..everything is right!" and she slides out of her chair closer to him, grabs his face and begins to kiss him with such passion he didn't have enough time to interject...he just surrenders.

                      Her smell drives him crazy. They kiss with such emotion. She wants him and he wants her. She can barely contain herself from climbing completely into his chair and onto his lap. He grabs her hair and pulls her head back, exposing her neck, then he kisses and sucks the most sensitive part of her jugular vain, running his lips and tongue up and down from her collar bone to her chin while gripping her shapely but jiggly ass. She's cringing from the extreme arousal, her lips quivering and her clit throbbing. She purrs with passion and he responds by pushing her into the backseat and she falls onto the seat even more aroused. she entices him to come after her by pulling her shirt off and opening her legs, showing him that she wanted him to take her right there in the back of his truck.

                   He starts to climb over into the backseat and begins to take off his shirt when she presses her lips against his stomach, stopping him while he was still standing over her. She pulls his shirt up over her head and starts kissing all over his abs, leaving wet residuals all the way down to his dick. She swallows him and places his hands on her head. His erection fills her entire mouth and she gags a little but quickly adjusts herself and sucks his dick like a good girl. He lifts his shirt off and watches his dick go in and out of her pretty mouth and grips her hair harder. She handles him well, taking him deep and using her tongue causing him to harden with each flick.

                 As she serves him she begins to take off her gym tights. He stops her and climbs into the backseat while holding her neck gently. She bends to his will and follows his lead. He slides his basketball shorts down and places her back up against the back wall of the seat, placing her in a rear position and leaving both of them with one leg on the floor of the truck. He positions himself comfortably behind her, still holding her neck with his left arm, firmly placing her in his control and she feels his solid shift throbbing against her pussy. With one hand on her neck and the other with a hand full of dick, he begins to insert himself into her. It was tight and hard to squeeze into at first, but quickly changed each time he attempted due to the rush of vaginal oils running out from inside of her until she and wet enough for him to slide right in.

               She bends more, allowing him to have complete control of her. With her tights and panties half way down her legs and bent over the back seat of his truck, he strokes her hard and deep and she begins to scream out in pleasure, squirting a little with each stroke and her body language is coaxing him to go deeper and harder. Within moments she's screaming out "fuck me!" and he's pounding her pussy her like a prostitute in the back of a filthy alley and she's loving every moment of it. Phiiah moans and squirts all over the inside of her thighs and down his legs, motivating him to pleasure her more. He continues to go deep and grabs one of her breast and goes into a trance like state as he stiffens inside of her, squeezing her breast with one hand holding her hair with the other.

                Her ass is thick and he watches it jiggle as he pounds her harder and harder, admiring the beautiful tattoos of butterflies and well drawn flowers flowing around her waist and up her left side leading into a beautiful butterfly chest piece. She was drop dead gorgeous and he was fucking the shit out of her raw dog, stoking her strong and holding her like she was a small doll until all the windows steamed up, hand prints of passion placed across the back fogged windows. Her breast pressed against the glass, his motion driving her chest to press harder and harder until she squirted. Her essences erupted like a pulsating faucet, across his shaft and down his legs. It turned him on even more to know he was providing this beautiful woman wth such deep pleasure and listening to her scream with such intensity. He couldn't take it anymore, the feeling was overwhelming and he was about to cum. He tried to hold it as long as he could but the pleasure only intensified, forcing him to blow all over her back.

               He came hard and consistently for about 10 seconds, leaving her ass and pussy lips coated and dripping in his thick white jizz. She welcomed it and spread her ass, giving him an alluring look while he nutted all over her. She had gotten her wish, she had been fantasizing about him for weeks until she lost control of her emotions.


               An hour later, Phiiah pulls into her drive way with a smile on her face but when she thinks about going into the house, that smile turns into a frown and she grabs her gym bag and exits the vehicle. She sighs as she looks around the house and begins to feel like she's trapped in a horrible place again. Her daughter Savannah comes darting out from the bedroom screaming in joy and gesturing to be hugged. Phiaah smiles and greets her with love and kisses. She carries Savannah into the kitchen to pour her a drink when Dominic comes in behind her and says "well thanks for letting me know you were home and greeting me babe."She responds with "You heard me come in, shit, you could have came and said something to me. Why I gotta come to you all the damn time!"
"I see it's going to be another day you come home with a damn attitude for no reason. All i said was you could have greeted me like a normal girlfriend does instead of just walking in the house like we are room mates and shit!"
"Whatever Dom, I'm not going through this shit with you today!"
"Going though what? I didn't even do shit! I'm just trying to fucking talk to you! And I sent you a text two days ago, telling you how I felt and you still haven't acknowledged that. You just act like the shit I say anit shit!"
"Why is it always have to be about you dom! what about me?"
"Shit, you tell me! I'm the one always trying to get you to talk or express yourself without it being during an argument. You express yourself well when you mad but I can't get an ounce of emotion out of you during sex or just plain conversation. So what the fuck are you talking about?"
"Whatever, fine!"
"There you go with that whatever, fine, shit again. what does "whatever" or "fine" mean? what? please tell me! does it mean you agree or the conversation is over or what? what the fuck does that mean?"
"It means I'm done with talking. Your never happy! I come home everyday and clean this house and take care of Savannah. I'm sick of you acting like I'm such a fucked up girlfriend!"
"Yeah, you do do that, and that's all you do. You clean, you do the clothes. But what about the shit I'm asking you to do, like do something with me, make love to me. I mean shit, kiss me with passion for once!"
"You don't appreciate me Dom, you don't appreciate shit. All you care about is me sucking your dick. that's all this is about!"
"I didn't even say shit about that, you missing everything I'm saying and focusing on that bullshit just to gain ground. I'm not stupid Phi, you do the same shit every time. I'm asking for companionship and affection."
"Whatever, fine!" And she walks away carefree. Dominic stands there in frustration once again and just shakes his head. He can't seem to get through to her and he cannot understand why. He wants to follow behind her and force her to answer hi questions but he knows its only going to antagonize the situation. So once again he has to live with his wonder and live with the fact that he won't find a resolution today either. So he decides to go back into his office and continue to work, things normally calm down a few hours after Phiiah gets home. They have not seen eye to eye for years now and these days things only seem to be getting worst. He refuses to let her stress him out but he cannot find the strength to let her go. He wishes he could get through to her or at least get her to tell him why she was treating him like this. It would have eased his mind to know something! knowing nothing was riving him crazy. She claimed she loved him but she never shows it and her reason for that is always inconclusive, never clear enough for him to understand.

                   As usual when Phiiah got home from work or the gym she would start cleaning the house then take a shower and watch her shows until she fell asleep. This was the daily process to include the arguing and distance between them while she was awake. Dominic didn't know what to do and he was starting to lose it. Though he loved Phiiah deeply, he was losing himself chasing after her. He spent most of his free time in his office preparing work for the next day and she'd either be in the bedroom watching love and hip hop, or basketball wives until she fell asleep. Dominic was a high school gym teacher and an aspiring singer. He worked during the day at school and spent most of his nights working on music or preparing for work.


                   He and Phiiah had been together for 3 years and things weren't always like this. At one point in time their relationship was them verses the world but that all changed when Dominic got medically retired from the fire department due to a bad knee operation. He was a good looking 38 year old black man. five foot eleven, very handsome and had a strong body. But there was something about him that made Phiiah lose interest in him and he had no idea what it was. It was driving him crazy trying to figure it out. He quit smoking because she wouldn't kiss him but after he quit she still wouldn't kiss him. He tried to communicate with her but she does not respond with motivation. She only gives him short brief answers. He's also tried to find common interest between the two of them but she never seems to enjoy or give 100% in the things he presents to her so now he's just at the point of letting go...But they have a child.

                    He just takes it one day at a time and hopes for the best. Though today he's more upset than normal. He has watched this daily trend between them go on for months now and he wants answers. So in the midst of his frustration he decideds to write down his emotions and keep a journal. This way if he ever decided to leave his family, he could look back and understand why he did it with out any guilt.

                                                              Journal entry 1
                                                          September 14th 2017

I'm sitting here mad as hell again and listening to the same old love songs! I hate love and I wish I never knew what love was. It's been the bane of my existence literally. Damn, I need to change up this routine right now because I cannot live one more day like this. Phiiah and I are not compatible and we are headed for a disaster so extreme it will change our lives forever. I hate her for not loving me and I think she hates me for hating her because I show my anger everyday and I verbalize it all day long on most days. It's bad, and I know it's going to get worst because my resentment for her know is almost irreversible. Everyday she comes home from work, she has this fucked up attitude as soon as she walks in the door. It's been going on for so long now it turns my stomach immediately. She makes me feel worthless and unattractive on a daily bases. She swears she doesn't to the grave but even when I breakdown every little instance or situation pertaining to why I think this, she just looks at me like I'm stupid and gets silent. She never acknowledges what I'm desperately trying to show her like I'm speaking another language. It fucks with my mind and makes me wonder hundreds of different things like ; Is she listening? Am I expressing the emotion in the right way? Does she care or is she just acting? So many things go through my mind when I'm talking to her and the whole time she's displaying no concern and won't say shit. She just looks at me and eventually says "OK " or "fine" if she didn't storm off mad by then.

It's been this way for years now along with a ton of other shit that probably got me to this I don't give a fuck attitude. She made me hurt so bad for so long, I want her to feel pain now. Pure resentment, and vengeance. I makes me even madder to know that she made me feel this way about her while a piece of me still wants her to just understand and change. I wish I could just let her go right now, just up and walk away at this very moment. Sad part is we have a child and I want to get away from Phiiah so bad I'm willing to leave my child. That makes me wonder even more; is that a black man thing? Is it a personal trait? How could I hate her so much right now I'm willing to walk away from my two year old daughter just to relieve the pain and stress just so "I" can live happy. I'm so scared of my next action because I feel like I'm going to do or say something that will impact our relationship so hard..there will be no going back.

I don't want to cheat on her but I need some real affection bad. I want to feel needed and wanted and the lack of it for so long has gotten me desperate. I'm a creature of passion and without it I dwindle away. I had to except who I was in order to move forward in life. I need strong passion, praise, support and loyalty from my woman. This is me, and when I don't have it.. I can't be me and function creatively. This is why it hurts so bad, this is why I'm so pressed to just abandon the relationship, because I know the real me is dying trying to fix something that I now believe wasn't meant to be in the first place. Four years of my life wasted! Four years I'm never going to get back, only relive for the rest of my life and drag the next woman through.

I don't need male friends to be successful, all I need is my woman. I believe that a man and woman in a loyal and loving relationship can conquer army and weather any storm. I learned that at a young age and it is the sole reason I want love and marriage in my life so bad. I'm so ready to stop worrying about my relationship and ready to focus on my future and dreams. Phiiah has no interest in my dreams or creations. It's so bad, I can write about her and she would never know because she's so unattached to my interests, she don't even have the motivation to be nosey.


To be continued.......

emotional link to this entry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okGcksYM0N8&list=PLKnBr1WV4KS30xfSPlesjngbjJneFtVQB&index=32