Milestone - Suppression & Sacrifice

They say heavy is the head that wears a crown.... This statement is true and has nothing to do with being a king, but it has everything to do with being in charge - Being the one responsible for other people's welfare, money and trust. I know if it all goes bad, I take full responsibility, and trust me, it's a lot! So when I use the word "All"...I do mean everything- full domino effect, my whole world collapses in front of my eyes, Checkmate, Game over man! The crazy part about it all... is the part that freaks me out the worst. Every aspect of my life at this point in time is one of three things; history repeating or correcting  itself,  Deja vu, or a real life premonition. Now mix that with my past, my current day to day life, and how this is playing out, got me thinking I'm going crazy.

Simply because "All" of the lives involved, past and present.  But the most important people; the ones who effected my life are the most are connected to each other in some way without me making the connection. For example; I was command referred to the Army Substance abuse program in 2013, every week I sat in a two hour meeting / class, and majority of that time was spent in some sort of argument or debate between my counselor and I over marijuana. I always won, until she finally would throw in my face that marijuana destroyed my career and now there is a great possibility that I may lose everything over it. Strangely that very counselor is the mother in law of someone directly involved with my company, and I never knew until everything start going well for my company. So many people in my life right now have strange connections to other people from my past.


This leaves me with the fear of leading dozens of people into believing in a dream that I believe I must accomplish. A failure that will not just affect me, but "all" of the most important people in my life.  And if anything in my life fails or is not accomplished, is where the whole domino effect comes into play. If I could explain it "all"... some of you would be shaking your head like " I don't know how you can mange all that after going through so much". Others would say " This man is extremely smart....but he is a little crazy!" And the few - the weak, would have nightmares with dealing with a small portion of what I deal with everyday! I know this because I have nightmares, just a whole lot less than I did a few years ago when shit was at it's worst. A couple of months ago I wrote a blog Titled "letting go" and I believe that was the time I realized an alternative method to dealing with "all" this exists.

And Its so simple, I feel retarded  knowing it took me so long to figure it out. I wonder how many other people still haven't figured it out. I wonder If I figured this out before I turned 18, where would I be? It's a very selfish but effective strategy, and the earlier you learn it, the less baggage you will have to take to the next relationship business or personal.

                              "Never settle. Be honest with yourself about what you really want in life, and it takes a few broken eggs to make a cake."

To accomplish these you will have to sacrifice other peoples emotions sometimes. Because every interaction doesn't always work out in all parties favor. But as long as that decision is for the greater good" then a few hurt feelings won't matter because the few don't outweigh the majority. You can't please everyone, so choosing to do what's in the benefit of the majority is the logical approach.
I can no longer choose the paths of suppression or sacrifice because they both leave guilt and resentment on me.

Friday July 21st (concert night)
The day started off fucked up but it's all good. I'm tired of explaining everything to everyone. I'm starting to believe that everyone around me treats me the same way because of the way i come off - passive. It's changing me into someone I'm not. I try to be fair to everyone, I learned that from all of the years of unfairness and mistreatment I experienced in my lifetime. But It seems like because of this - people take advantage of my kindness, as a weakness, or try to get as much out of me or over on me as they can. Me being aware of this is bad for the people that's not doing this to me because I been through it so much and its on my mind so much that I have an invisible wall up and everyone is affected by it.

We started off behind on everything from time lines to payments and by the time we were ready to open the doors everything was in disarray. the show was supposed to start at 8pm and I cant even find most of my acts. Friends of the acts didn't want to pay or show support and instead of them coming out on a professional level they wanted to drink in the car knowing a have a full bar inside! only 25 people showed up and most of the others pulled into the parking lot but never came in because the show never started or it was too many people out front drinking and acting the damn fool. Even members of my own team never showed up, and this is our first stand alone event! But if i say something about any of this then I gotta get excuses or I'm the one coming off wrong.

By the end of the night everyone got their shit together and we closed the show off decent. But by then I already accepted the fact that we just lost a ton of money, We didn't get any video done, I had a panic attack and passed out an hour before I was supposed to take the stage and perform and we didn't sell any tickets, food or alcohol. I was fed up and I knew it was time for action and change. My company wasn't going down like this. So I took a few minutes to have one last internal conversation with myself and move forward. I knew then and there that, I'm wasting my time, money and my sanity in all parts of my life; business and personal.

Why do I (the CEO)  have to track people down in order for them to fulfill their commitment?
Why do I show more interest in other peoples career or life than they do?
Why am I stressing over everything and everyone else is so nonchalant about everything?
Am I overstepping my boundaries? Should I stop or keep trying to motivate people?
Do I talk to much? Should I change my natural way of life to accommodate others just to fit in?
When am I going to say "enough is enough, I'm tired of people not meeting me half way, with business and my personal life?"

Saturday Night (masquerade ball)
Once again the day started off fucked up. I started the day off begging people to be where they supposed to be and those who was supposed to do very important tasks only came through half way to include financial commitments. I was scared that I just ruined my entire companies lifespan But I couldn't cancel. We sold to many tickets and spent over $9,000 at this point. The show had to go on if I wanted my respect and reputation to at least stay in place. So once again I had to explain, accommodate, hustle, and over extend myself just to make sure the show was as successful as possible. We only got 70% of the decor up but the place looked beautiful, but it was already time to start the show and I wasn't even dressed yet.

Then the miraculous happened... People started showing up, paying at the door and buying drinks. I left the helm in the hands of my art and design director, And my VP and I ran to get dressed. When I got back 45 minutes later, we had about 40 people in the venue and they all looked excited to be there. By the time the show started, we were at our peak of about 60 people in the building total with crew and guests and people were still buying tickets at the door. I saw the light and things were looking up. All the acts put on a great show and everyone was enjoying themselves. But we still didn't get to shoot any video and I was still in the hole from the night prior so I still had some explaining to do somewhere.

By the end of the night I was content with the show and all doors were closed with the external vendors and acts. we fell very short of or target goals but at least we had a clear outlook on what was going to happen next.

The next day was even worst because I had one of the worst arguments with one of my vice presidents and my "so called" girlfriend, both in which I feel should be the first to understand or support me. Both in which will not hold up their end of the deal but expect me to cater to them. but that's my life story as always...explaining and catering to the people that should already support or understand simply because of the proximity they have to the situation. So Now I'm done, and here comes the pain! Now I know what needs to be done in all aspects. Now hearts will be broken and people will have absolute reason to say I am selfish.

 I always loved to thought of "love." "hopeless romantic" should be my middle name. But I have come to realize that "I" have to accept my own needs in order to be happy in my love life. This is why I cannot pass judgment on anyone when it comes to what that like and want. I hear men call women "gold diggers" and think that title will cause some kind of enlightenment. In fact I agree with a "gold digger" simply because if money makes her happy to the point she loves the person she is with, then that's "all" that matters. Most men love sex, so if it takes an abundance of sex to keep a man happy and faithful then how can you say it's wrong for someone to need money to do the same thing?

There is no difference. everyone is different and their needs are different. This is where effective communication comes into play and where most relationships fail. People are reluctant to admit what it is they need to sustain happiness out of fear of judgment. If you think crack is what you need, you will be unhappy trying to stay away from crack until you feel different and no one can change that but you. So I no longer tell people what they like or need based on my opinion, It's a waste of time. I know my needs and wants and I also know a lot of people won't agree with them. That doesn't change the fact that I still want or need them to function properly or to be happy.

                                                                 "Judge not or be judged first"

So if the decisions I make here in the future leaves people upset or mad at me....so be it. I spent half of my life suppressing my needs, I will not spend the other half doing the same thing. I gave 20 years of my life to an organization filled with people that tried to ruin my life with no remorse for my children or family. I spent over 15 years dealing with women that barely met me half way, and In my time of need, they wasn't there. And I spent over 10 years putting my dreams and aspirations to the side so other people could be happy momentarily.

I'm watching my family in New York deteriorate over A 2 million dollar co-op apartment ever since I lost my grandmother in 2011 and it's only gotten worst since my grandfather passed on my daughter's birthday February of this year. It's tearing me apart to be in the situation I'm in and not being able to do anything about it. I have children that I talk to but haven't seen or hugged in over 5 years due to the situation I'm stuck in and it weighs heavily on my heart. I have been dealing with Army personnel that tried to take everything I ever worked for away from me because of personal feelings and worst of "all", the person who supposed to have my back through "all" this, just started to show me they care in the last 4 months after 6 years and expect me to not have resentment so we fight everyday "all" day. I have no sanctuary, I have no base of operations to retreat to, "all" I have is the my mind to play orchestrator and mediator for everything I go through.

There are people in my life that I love and love me but I'm at a point in which I don't want to hurt them because of my walls, wants and needs. They will be hurt. There are decisions that I will make in order to ensure my companies success to the best of my abilities that will determine who will remain in my personal life. And I know these things must happen now or I will only prolong, or make things worst for everyone involved due to me suppressing or sacrificing "my" wants and needs. The same people that never liked a post, bought a song or even show any interest in any of my works to include this one. So they are leaving me no choice but to let go and pursue my happiness.

So when I say "all", I do mean "all" of it is tied together in some way that will effect the future of my company government industries, down to the meaning of the logo and reaching all the way into my military career and personal life. And I blame it all on myself, my passiveness and empathetic ways. Even though I know it's to late for me to change certain aspects of my personality, I can accept my wants and needs to be happy, so I'm going for it "all". The only entity I fear is the almighty, so understand any and all promises or commitments I make I'm going to do or die trying.

If the people around me don't understand that I'm different then fuck em! No more explaining to get them to understand or appreciate me. I am the unappreciated genius, the person who talks too much or the easy target in the eyes of some. I accept it

I am done loving people who can't love me the way I need it!
I'm done taking care of people who don't give a fuck about me!
I'm done over extending myself to accommodate others and how they feel!
I'm done stressing about everything to the point it affects my day to day life!
I'm done explaining and I'm done being unhappy!


From here on out my life is dedicated to government industries LLC, my children and "my" happiness. No more sleepless nights, or cloudy days, the storm is over now. I'm 40 years old, I spent "all" of my life supporting other peoples dreams and lives. I know I'm presented with a special opportunity and I won't miss it or let someone else fuck this chance up. We have excellent products that will not only compete in the industry, but exceed today's standards. We have a great team and the potential to become a household brand name. But most of "all" I know if it "all goes bad... I will face the blunt of the repercussions alone. So I have to boss up, and lead from the front regardless on the situation in which I find myself. I'm in too deep now, I must finish what I started and I refuse to let my people down. So anything that may be a possible obstacle will be removed before I run out of chances and lose everything.


Everyone should listen to the words of this song. It describes everything I just discussed. I'm sure a lot of you can relate once you heard it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqOu5u-_GCE